A Psalm of Brokenness

I have never shied away from the hard stuff – and right now, my family is going through a hard time.

My heart is left broken and bare; so, tonight, I have a new poem to share:

GOD,
I feel like I’m drowning.
Financially. Family. 
Emotionally.
Life circumstances.
My choices.
Surrounded by brokenness
and hopelessness.
Jesus, you never promised
an easy life;
A life without troubles.
So, I pray
Peace in the storm.
Take my worries and cares.
Don’t let me fall.
Don’t let me drown.
Keep me afloat,
Ready for what’s next.
May each of these
Messy, sticky situations
find their way to 
Bring Glory to your name.
Lord, be my strength.
Forever I will praise your
Wonderful, powerful
Beautiful name.

©Candice Jenee’ 2017

 

 

Safe (Ascent from Madness)

It’s been a Sunday where nothing is going quite as it should…even trying to get this post up & the blog updated, my internet simply refuses to co-operate…so, I decided a little fiction writing would do my spirit some good. I’m adding to my collection of Ascent from Madness flash fiction pieces below, as a part of the most recent 5 Minute Friday.

The theme this week: SAFE

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It’s so strange, how unsettled I am.
I know it just goes with the territory. That’s what they tell me anyway.

But, I mean, I’m old enough now, I should be feeling secure & safe now, right? Now that I’m “getting better”…

Safe…

Do I even know that word?
I knew that word once…didn’t I?

I honestly don’t know. But, I must have. Though, even in my earliest memories, safety isn’t a theme.

Safe…

Darkness. Music.
My home. The one I’ve created.
The creativity in my mind.

These things make me feel safe.

Out there – the world? Not so much.

But, I guess I hide it well.
I “fit in.” I “work.”

But, safe?

No, I don’t really think I am…And, I don’t think I ever really was…

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I Carry It All

In the back of my Bible are 2 very special pages; my war-room.

Actually, I got the idea from The Sacred Echo by Margaret Feinberg.  It’s two facing pages that I keep prayer requests & prayer prompts on. Many just names, or names & ways to pray for them.  Scrawled in the middle of one of those pages, a verse that resembles my heart, and centers my prayers:

This is why I do what I do every day.

And, on these two pages, I let out the hard stuff so I don’t have to carry it around all the time. Because, I am not meant to carry it alone.

But, my call is to be there with people in their brokenness, then turning it over to God.

It is why my heart is so pulled toward ministry (read more about my tiny house ministry dreams by clicking that link).

The fact is, though, in my career, I carry it with me. It becomes a part of shaping who I am and how I interact with the world.

Tonight, it was a lot, so I wrote a poem about it, and I really felt the need to share it for others in similar places:

I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
But, I carry it all.
Every story,
Every broken heart.
Every thread-bare home,
Every scarred body and soul.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
It’s a passion in my heart;
A stirring in my spirit;
Divinely driven.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
He is my Joy and Strength.
He is the reason I don’t buckle
under the weight.
Because, I carry it all.
It’s in my heart;
It’s in my mind.
The weight in heavy
on my Spirit.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
This is my life;
The path I’ve chosen.
It makes my heart alive,
And breaks me all the same.
This will always be my call;
And, I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least not mine alone.
So, I pass it on to Him,
Casting it all on His heart.
Because, I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.

©CandiceJenee2017

 

Wake Up (Ascent from Madness)

Tonight is 5 Minute Friday night – It’s been a very long & trying week.

I’ve prayed over situations, asking God to move so that my weak faith would be supported by sight, and those situations all seem to have only gotten worse…But, I continue to do as Lauren Daigle’s song suggests:

“When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You…I will trust in You.” – LD ‘Trust In You’

So, for tonight’s 5 Minute Friday, I bring another portion of flash fiction – a removal of feelings from my own life onto paper in fiction form. The word? Common

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If one more person tells me this is a common feeling, I’m going to lose it…

They all seem to think they know that feeling – the out of body, this isn’t my life, am I living a dream or nightmare feeling that follows me day in and day out.

I go to sleep and wake up to it – at least, on the nights I’m lucky enough to go to sleep.

Maybe it is a common occurrence…but not like this. And, when I explain it further, they look at me with that look. The look that says, “this girl is crazy”. So, I keep it to myself.

And, rather than focusing on this major difference I have with those around me, I’m gonna be thankful for what I do have in common with them: the love of a good fall breeze, country songs, moonlight, and words.

*BUZZ* my phone lights up with his name.

My heart soars and sinks simultaneously. I desperately wish to snap out of this feeling, so I can feel, otherwise, I’m so disconnected from him along with myself.

God, let me snap out of it…my heart cries as I pick up my phone to respond.

Nothing changes. I just continue on willing myself to change, “feeling” & mind entering a battle of wills, knowing which would win, and unable to do anything about it.

*BUZZ* another message.

God, just something, something of connection. Please. He makes me so happy, I know he does. But, I am so disconnected. This isn’t life, right? It’s supposed to be different? Wake me up. Wake up my heart, please…

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Rainstorm (Ascent from Madness)

Time for another flash fiction post 🙂 I am quite enjoying using the 5 minute time-frame to write something not only flash in length, but time written in.

Also, doing these little flash fiction posts has re-ignited my  love for writing fiction, so I’ve decided that once our #Write31Days challenge has ended, I’m going to once again participate in NaNoWriMo…which will likely mean less blogging, but perhaps more flash fiction.

Both challenges are a good distraction from the depressing world of online dating…which I really needed this break from (it’s hard out there for a single girl, guys!)

Below is my final flash piece of this challenge

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I cloistered myself in my room. My work nook all ready for a cozy afternoon of writing.

The rainstorm outside surrounded me with a mysterious air. What perfect writing conditions if ever there were. The quiet was a welcome change from the madness of the world, and the rain offered an even greater sense of comfort.

The trees cast an eerie shadow on the walls.

It’s like my mind, in reality. Some days, it really is hard to know which is which, though.

I know my deadline for the newest piece, and I am not even close to finishing.

Since I’ve gotten “better”, the writing doesn’t come as easily. I have a harder time tapping into my creative side since most of the madness seems to be gone.

Why does it seem all the best artists are mad? Like they tap into some oft forgotten creative energy field just through their brokenness.

How do I get that back…? I wonder to myself as I stare at the rain trails on the pane.

I glance at my reflection…Can I remember that time well enough…Can I tap into it now…?

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