“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” – Proverbs 31:10-12
Each time I come across those words, I get a stab in my heart.
Anyone who has read my blog for more than one post knows there is something beautiful I am attempting to wait patiently for: a Godly man to come into my life & add to the ministry God has placed on my heart.
And, I wish with everything that I could say that I have done this: “bring him good, not harm, all the days of my life”, but I have failed at this more than once. Allowing my eyes, heart, mind to wander, be tempted to things that are not honoring to the man that will one day enter my life.
Blessed for me, though, my Abba is one who redeems.
And, I know that He continues to protect my desire for a man who feels like home.
As Christina Perri (who I am currently in mini-obsession with) sings:
“You put your arms around me and I’m home.” – Christina Perri ‘Arms’
One day, this is something I joyfully hope for. When I think about that relationship, feeling like home, I see cozy fall days; I see a man who is crazy in love with Jesus.
I think about my favorite TV couples (because, perhaps, I maybe, just a little bit, watch a tad too much of that TV stuff…), and though I enjoy those relationships, I can’t wait to see how much more I enjoy our love story.
Because, I so look forward to that coming home, home in hisembrace feeling.
Who knows…?
Perhaps he is just around the corner.
Perhaps he is just a day away.
Or, perhaps he is another twenty years away.
I don’t know.
But, what I do know, is that I will continue to do my best to bring him good and not harm as many days of my life as I can, even before our paths cross.
So that, perhaps, one day, he will find home in my arms as well.
Along with my current Christina Perri obsession, I have discovered this lovely, moving video. It moved me and tugged at all of my heart strings. Tugged.Them.All. Please enjoy:
Christina Perri “The Words” from ‘Head or Heart’
Video from Christina Perri YouTube
So, you may have noticed that each of my posts on home seem to have a theme about them. That’s because, in my overall theme of Finding Home, I am going along with Kate Motaung over at Heading Home. The idea is a 5 Minute daily challenge as part of this 31 day event, so I’m trying to make it work.
Today’s topic is patience, which is something I’ve written on before. Many of you who have read my posts before know that there are a few things I await…
But, when I think about home, I realize it’s the impatience I get to practice at home.
I get to pour my heart out to my Abba, my family, my dog, my journal – about the things my heart yearns for.
I get to cry, panic, worry…I get to just be real for a moment.
I’ve learned that this doesn’t take away from my waiting. It doesn’t make my strong moments lose strength. It doesn’t affect the beauty of what will be.
It’s just a place I get to be real in my frustrations for a minute.
Because, out in the world, I use every ounce of patience in me: in my job, in my day to day errands, in waiting for a job, for “him”, for a home…(Not so much in the car – I’m working on that).
At home, there are moments, I get to practice impatience.
And, I’ll be honest – I am really glad for those moments.
“Certain things will catch your eye, but pursue only those things that capture your heart.” – Ancient Native American Proverb
Confession time?
I have a list. You know, the list…
I’ve called it my “Him List”.
Honestly, it isn’t that hard to track down…it resides at the back of my Bible, a tradition I started in High School.
This list is much shorter now…much shorter.
But, one thing I added more recently is:
Home
That’s right, one word: home.
There are a select few people I’ve come across that make me feel safe, like I’m home.
And, fewer of those are male than female.
Though, a greater number of males have “caught my eye”.
Confession 2? My eye is somewhat easily caught…
But, my heart? Not so easily captured.
So, I haven’t even thought of pursuing too many relationships past friendship.
Because what catches my eye and leads to the capture of my heart is a complete surrender to God. A passionate pursuit of Christ.
So, for my him it’s this sense of safety, sense of home, that will capture my heart.
Not in an ideal, everything will always be peachy kind of way, but in an even when things are rough, he’s a safe person.
Safe because of where his heart is hidden.
Safe because God is at our center.
Safe because there is no question of his love or loyalty.
Safe because he’s my best friend.
Safe because he fought to capture my heart.
Safe because it was in surrendering to God that my heart was so captivated.
So, currently, I’m waiting.
Waiting & praying for capture.
“I fell in love the way you fall asleep. Slowly, and then all at once.” -John Green, ‘The Fault in Our Stars’
I am an introvert. By nearly every definition and example.
Headphones in? Check. Door closed? Check. Book or movie in front of me? Check.
Whatever I can do to secure absolute alone time, especially in the wee hours of the night, when the world is at it’s darkest and quietest. That’s my time.
My heart absolutely recharges there.
However, no matter what calling or career I felt was on my life, my dream life & ministry always involved a home to host in.
Especially groups of teenagers, or my children’s friends. Or my friends.
Bible Studies. Football games. Coffee (hot chocolate?) dates. Movie nights. Pizza parties. It goes on.
In my mind, I always had a place to do these things. And, the times that I have had that has made me very happy.
My soul responds so well to having an inviting space to share with others, but to also have my own time. To live out my introvertedness, that at times masquerades as ambivertedness. A place to be loud & goofy at the right time, but to also settle down for my own quiet time, devotion time, and writing time.
See, that’s what I have been called to: a true introvert called to ministry. Spending my time counseling others, sharing with others, listening to others, writing for others.
But, with a spirit that recharges in quiet solitude.
It’s how my Abba has wired me.
And, in that calling, I desire a place to manage it all. (And, hopefully, one day, the right person to share it all with).
Though, it’s not in my current reality, some day soon, I am trusting God will open that door once again: a place to serve, and a home from which to serve.
This is what home is all about, after all, isn’t it…?
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” – Proverbs 13:12
I did it.
I packed up my life, loaded as much of it into my car as would fit, and drove across country with my mom. Back to a place I never thought I’d call home again.
Now, a week later, I’m all settled in.
I went back to the church I grew up in. Had an incredible time of worship.
I’ve reconnected with my dearest friend. And, spent a lot of time with my family.
I’ve applied for countless jobs and have begun praying for my dwindling finances.
So, tonight, I took to the internets – the dating sites, as it were.
And, apparently, my options are more limited here than they were on the Left Coast…
So, it seems, for now, my mate is not to be found online. And, as at first, that struck me as making it a hopeless cause.
But, really?
I have all the hope in the world.
Other than for four months last year, Single is what I do.
Do I want a partner? Absolutely
My heart longs for it. Some days, the ache is almost all I can take. Some days, my heart cries out in ways only my heart can cry out.
But most days? I can definitely survive until it happens; I can survive if it never happens.
But, I have hope – hope that a partner will come some day.
I have hope because my Abba God knows my heart. He knows the ache in there. He knows it intimately, because He created it.
I have hope, because I pray for “him” almost every day:
I have been “devoted to [him] in love…joyful in hope, patient, and faithful in prayer” (Romans 12:10&12)
For over a decade, my heart has held a special place for “him” and I have hope my Abba will fill that space.
Because, I believe that it is within His will that many of His people find an ezar (Gen 2:18). He knows it is not good for us to be alone, and He created this space in our hearts.
As for what I am patiently waiting & praying for?
Some people have told me that by requiring “he” be a Manof God, that I am asking too much. That people, especially in my generation, are just not as devoted to Christ as they used to be. So, I should dull down that standard. Perhaps a “church goer” is enough; or maybe someone who is just “spiritual”.
To that, my whole-hearted response is: I would rather serve Christ alone & single, than serve Christ alone & in a relationship.
So, is my standard too high?
Perhaps – but it’s not going anywhere.
So “he’s” not online. That’s ok. That just gives me hope that God has something even greater in mind for our love story.
And, I can’t wait to see what He makes of it.
“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” – Romans 8:25
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” – Romans 15:13
Is there something you are patiently trusting God for? If so, I recommend taking advice from the new movie “War Room” (which, if you haven’t seen, I highly recommend). Begin to fight in prayer, that’s where patience is grown and the battle is won. Keep trusting God. Stand on His word. He is faithful.
*I have written this post in conjunction with last week’s Tuesday @ 10and as part of my own #LovelySunday series.
Any Sunday I get to go to church, is a restful, Lovely Sunday. Today was no exception.
As I settled in my seat mere seconds before service started, I noticed a visitor on the front row (I go to a very small church where we all pretty much know each other). This new comer was young, likely high school, and I could tell from behind had a hearing aid. My heart swelled when I saw my Aunt signing to him during announcements.
I love sign language, and I wish I knew it better.
During worship, I watched this young man, tears coming to my eyes as he was signing along with the words on screen. I’m sure he could feel the beat of the music, that place was popping.
His sincere act of worship moved me. Past the place of quiet complacency I had been resting in, to a place of real connection. Honestly, to me, there is something enticingly beautiful about seeing sign language used in any situation; but, somehow, to me, it takes on an almost ethereal quality when used in a worship setting.
It is how a connection is made between the person, God, and (sometimes) others.
Similar to how a worship leader uses singing or a pastor uses a sermon. How a writer uses a page of devotional or poetry or a dancer uses his/her body.
And, it brought to mind a book called Flourish by Staci Frenes. She came about a week ago and led a woman’s night at our church around this same work. What an inspiring woman bearing her beautiful soul.
My visualization of what it means to Flourish.
This book, which can be found on amazon, is about using your unique creative gifts in service of the Kingdom. All of us have some gifting, one area of life where we can develop, grow, and turn back out to the world. She speaks of her own gifts of music and song-writing; as well as gifts of many others: photography, film, web design, writing, speaking, cooking, dress-making, gardening, and on and on.
Really, according to scripture, any natural (talent) or supernatural gift (gifts of the spirit), is given to us for the worship of God (1 Cor 12:1, 4-7; Eph 4:7, 11-16). Each unique gift and way we are wired to use it is another way we reflect Him, created in His Image (Genesis 1:26).
I moved this morning from that worship time to High School ministry with “my kids” – mentoring, teaching, encouraging. When I do these things, my soul comes alive, much as it does when I sit in a therapy room with clients, or write, or create visual art.
It is in this High School ministry or in the therapy room where my “deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet” (Frederick Buechner). My art, my writing, my speaking, my listening –all used in purposeful, beautiful, and healing ways.
Right now, I serve on a team. The single woman serving alongside Cousin & Cousin’s husband. And, I love it. Though I don’t exactly know the future of the ministry, we are all there for our students, and for each other.
Some Sundays, I look at them, though, and feel that familiar stab of longing. I want an ezer (Genesis 2:18) to do ministry with, to bounce ideas off of, to worship alongside. My heart longs for that so deeply.
Yet, I serve. I find ways to use my gifts, and I remind myself of Paul’s words: that an unmarried person can be concerned with the Lord’s work (1 Cor 7:32). [Too bad I’m very self-focused much of the time…]
Most of the time, right now, it’s a relief to know it’s just God and me. At this time, I am able to choose how to serve Him without having to worry about anyone else.
But, honestly, I’m ready. For that amazing person who will serve beside me. Who will be following God, and acting as a positive leader. It is something my heart longs for.
Yet, I also wrestle with the fact that, perhaps, I will remain single. It seems to have suited me thus far in life, and perhaps I just will not meet that man who wants to serve along side me. It is kind of a sad realization that it’s a possibility. It is a possibility I must learn to rest in, to be comfortable in.
I know that this time in my life, of preparation and growth, has taught me to rest in His love, using my gifts to serve Him as He calls me to. To walk the path He has opened up in front of me, regardless of who is with me or not with me.
I am reminded by Staci, that my unique gifts are to be used now, not in some distant future when someone may or may not be at my side.
And, no matter what, I can rest in the fact that God’s love for me is great. And, simply because He is, My gifts are to bring Glory to Him.
It’s Tuesday, so I am going to take the opportunity to work last week’s 5 Minute Friday prompt into today’s Tuesday @ 10 prompt.
The prompts are Plan & Strength respectively.
Ready? GO
Strength – I don’t feel like I have any left.
Plan – I had one, it’s kind of falling apart now…
Circumstances beyond my control (which kills me!) have completely torn me down – and each time it seems the plan is back on track, something else comes along & knocks it off.
And, most days, I really just don’t have the strength to deal with it much longer. And, I’m beginning to feel like God is as far away from it all as possible, just watching things fall apart around me all over again…
But, that’s just how I feel… I know feelings lie. I know He has brought me through more trying times than this… Though, this time feels hopeless. I feel helpless again. Like nothing is working; like every decision has been the wrong one. And, I’m trapped. Like everything is out of my control.
When will He show up? I hope He shows up soon, because I’ve lost my own strength & don’t have a plan D-Z…
Here we are, 4th Sunday of the month. Which means, it’s a Lovely Sunday…it also means I missed #WorkItWednesday this week, so I will make it up this coming Wednesday.
Today, I had a Sunday off work, and it was so nice. Especially knowing that in the next 4 months I am going to have my contact with my fellowship group extremely limited.
It was a beautiful day.
And, I help in the youth sunday school class when I am there, and the series we are in is about relationships.
Today’s video was about Godly marriage.
Our team of leaders is me, Cousin & Cousin’s Husband. For this series, we make quite a good team. We all have different stories about love, and how we came to realize what Godly relationships, as well as Godly singleness, are supposed to be.
I sat there, feeling more like one of the youth than the married couples. Hearing these ideas that I have yet to live out for myself.
But, it’s a wonderful thing to be able to sit in front of a group of tweens and teens and let them know that Godly singleness is possible, and is beautiful. And, to be sitting with a couple who is a beautiful picture of what Godly marriage should look like, even in the earliest days.
I like the series we are doing: Loveology (find it here on amazon). And, I like the points made in today’s lesson about what God’s intentions are for marriage.
Friendship. Purpose. Sexuality. Family.
I want these in my life. Someone to be my best friend. Someone who has purpose, who will share in mine & allow me to share in his. The third one, well, it speaks for itself 😉 . And, family – those who know me best know, I can’t wait to be a mom.
As a matter of fact, the words I have heard this week that have cut me most are “You’re going to be a great mom.”
When it’s time, I suppose.
And, when I find the right guy. Who is not intimidated by how I have spent my singleness to better myself. Who is not concerned that i have dedicated my life to God & His plan for my life. Who is not put off by my creativity and imagination. Who is himself growing in God’s purpose & plan. Who is himself creative & adventurous.
Because, really, if I (an introvert, who loves her space) am going to be with someone for the rest of my life, I’m going to need someone who puts God first, and who I can share my passions with, have fun with, and most of all, turn dreams into reality with.
{Anything less, and, well, God and I have been doing a fantastic job for 26 years, I’m sure we can continue to do so for another 5o or 6o}
Here I sit this rainy Sunday night watching a sappy Hallmark double feature while looking at the barrage of pictures on Pinterest (Paleo food, DIY projects, & pretty clothes, anyone?).
Some of the pictures I find myself drawn to tonight are of the wedding & baby announcement type.
Perhaps it’s because I know several couples recently engaged, pregnant, or newly parentified.
Yet, here I am…Working my way through grad school…living at my parents’ home.
I was recently talking to a friend about this and said, “Yeah, and all I’m doing is going to grad school.”
“All you’re doing…?” she responded.
Yeah, I realized at the moment she and I are focusing on education, career, helping others.
And, some days it’s great. While others, it makes me think, “What am I doing with my life?” Haha.
And, here I am, single…it’s a chronic situation in my life, really…
But, I’m good at it…I honestly don’t know how to do the whole relationship thing…I mean, I’ve done it once before, and I think I was ok at it. But, I’m good at being single. Coming & going as I please. Doing what I want with my time & money. Picking the movies and tv shows I watch (and having sole control of the remote).
Basically, I’m good at being selfish.
So, when it’s time to actually begin a relationship again, I’ll have to learn to be a little more selfless. I guess I will also be working on that as I wait.
It’s Sunday, but I’m doing a Five Minute Friday post. That means: 5 minutes, no over-thinking, no-over editing. Just pouring out my heart.
This week’s prompt is DEAR. And, I have written a letter, a letter to my heart & a letter to my love, who isn’t quite in my life yet. A simple letter of what I desire & what I hope to find. A young 20-something’s simple longing for a love to find her one day, in God’s time. Perhaps a little naive, perhaps a little too romantic. Perhaps a little far-fetched, but it is where my heart is…
Ready? GO:
Dear Heart & Love:
We may not be Cory & Topanga, but I’d like that kind of devotion. We may not be Todd & Christy, but I’d like that kind of purity. We may not be Chandler & Monica, but I’d like that kind of friendship. We may not be Marshall & Lily, but I’d like that kind of playfulness. We may not be Derek & Penelope, but I’d like that kind of flirtiness. We may not be Luke & Lorelai, but I’d like that kind of patience. We may not be Westley & Buttercup, but I’d like that kind of passion. We may not be Eli & Katie, but I’d like that kind of adventure. We may not be Four & Tris, but I’d like that kind of fearlessness.
And, dear Love, you may not know who many of these are, and that’s ok. Our story will be so much & more. It will be the day to day. It will be friendly & passionate, playful & patient, pure & flirty, a fearless adventure of devotion. Our story, penned by God, patiently awaited, will be my favorite of all.
I have no idea where you are, who you are, but I wait, knowing God’s timing is better than mine.
And, dear Heart, I wait for His lead to bring us together. In Love. For. His. Glory.
Author Candice Jenee’ 