Oh, should…

Let me tell you about what I hope to have in my life one day:

A wonderful relationship led by God, where He is the center. A man I can support who also supports me (then again, you already know this, don’t you).

Someone strong in his faith, and whose life is built around the things of God.

A good sense of humor, encouragement, and friendship.

I want us to travel and explore. I want us to fall in love and love unconditionally. I want us to have a family and an intimate friendship.

I hope for someone who finds me beautiful, and who lets me know he sees me that way. Especially on the days I don’t see it in myself, I know those days will come.

I desire that we could learn each others’ love languages, and, we’d learn to speak them well.

I pray for a man who is willing to take the lead, but who also understands I have ideas and opinions. I want someone I can submit to because I know he is fully submitted to God. I pray for wisdom, peace, and patience (in both of us).

I hope for a gentleman, and I look forward to the little things: having him open doors for me, maybe buy me flowers or my favorite candy; getting to know each others’ favorites; quiet nights at home; days out adventuring. I look forward to the exciting and the monotonous…

I want all of the above…but to get there, I have to wade through the “shoulds”…

Recently, I went on a date. While getting ready, the following conversation transpired:

Me: “I don’t know where my make up is.”
Sister: “Me either”
Me: “Maybe I just won’t wear makeup…”
Sister: “That would be rude.”
Me:”Why?”
Sister: “Because, he deserves to have you look like you tried.”

Look like I tried…I had showered, fixed my hair, and I was in a dress (a rarity in my world – the dress part).

But, I got to thinking about the “shoulds” and the expectations we have as a society about relationships. Everything from how we should look on the first date to when we should kiss someone for the first time.

It also got me thinking about what we “owe” the people we date:

  • Timeliness – your date is taking time to spend with you. We should respect that.
  • Respect – on that note, your date deserves respect
  • Being put together – clean, neat. This doesn’t mean you have to be made up or in the fanciest clothes
  • A thank you – especially if they paid.

Now, what do we not owe them, especially early on?

  • Perfection – No one is perfect.
  • Physical affection – even if he/she pays. You do not owe them anything in the area of physical affection.

But, we as a society put out all these “shoulds” – you should look perfect, be perfectly made up, wearing the best clothing out there. You should kiss by date “x”, other physical affection by month “x” (or in Christian circles, be careful of when you kiss, no other physical affection until the ring is on). You should play hard to get, make the guy come to you. It’s the 21st century, go get your guy…
Often, advice is conflicting, and sometimes, goes even so far as to encourage you to hide yourself at first – “keep in the crazy”.

Honestly, though, if I am ever going to be blessed with the relationship mentioned above, I can be nothing but myself: honest, loyal, who.I.am.

And, in case you’re wondering, I did end up putting on my make-up. Not because I felt it would be rude to him, but because I wanted to.

 


This is a part of this week’s Five Minute Friday…always one of my favorite ways to jump-start the blog again.

What are some “shoulds” that you have come up with in your own dating/relationship experience?

“The List”

Finally participating in 5 Minute Friday again. The rules are: write for 5 minutes. No over-thinking; no over-editing. This week’s prompt is:

Middle

Ready? GO

“Oh, he’s married, so he’s off the table”, I joked at a restaurant with some friends.

“Man, you just make it so hard to set you up”, a friend joked back.

“No, no. Single. Loves Jesus. That’s not hard, right?” I responded.

After thinking for a moment, we both said, “yeah, yeah it is”, and then laughed.

The truth is, maybe I’m looking for a little more than just “Single & Loves Jesus”, though that’s pretty much where to start.

But, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a list.
But that list is somewhere in the middle of 2 & a million traits (closer to 2 than a million, you’ll be happy to know).

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that people have to be realistic about what they’re looking for.

Our desired traits have to be a middle ground between “Breathing” & “Prince Charming”; our relationship expectations a middle ground between “hell on earth” & “perfect fairy tale”.

So, what’s on my list? I’ll share the gist:

image

You know, the important things. Beyond this, I have complete faith my Abba knows what I need/the relationship I’ve been praying for.


Did you have a “list”? If so, did your significant other match or exceed (or not quite)? Any encouragement as I continue to be patient in the waiting? Can’t wait to hear from you.

“Does he love Jesus?”

Always my first question when:

  1. A Christian friend says she met someone.
  2. Someone offers to set me up (which is basically never)

What surprises me is when even fellow Christians tell me that I place too much emphasis on this, or expect too much in this area.

Really?!

2 Corinthians 6:14 tells me not to be yoked to an unbeliever. Actually, even someone not on the same level as me. What’s more? This passage is actually about avoiding idolatry. How quickly what we choose to link to can become idolatry – leading us away from God’s purpose.

I know based on human nature, I’m at risk for putting my “him” above God. So, I definitely need a “him” who is completely committed to the Kingdom of Heaven, who will steer me back in that direction.

I believe life is best lived for Christ. So, I can’t have someone who doesn’t understand that part of my life – the biggest part of my life.

To hear other believers tell me I’m expecting “too much” or have too much emphasis on this, it’s disheartening. It saddens me greatly to know that they feel that there are so few of us, and that it’s too great of an expectation in todays world.

Because, I really feel we can all expect it, and should celebrate it when we find it.

A partner who is passionate about the Will of God is a beautiful thing. And, being equally yoked is the only way to really make it work. Otherwise, it becomes a huge hurdle for everyone involved.

Do I have to have someone who likes country music, reading, and rainy weather? Probably not. These qualities would be a bonus, but not a necessity for a happy life.

Do I have to have a man dedicated to Christ? ABSOLUTELY. Because, it’s the biggest part of my life. Faith & ministry; I can’t not share those things.

You see, I’d rather serve God alone and single, than try to serve God alone in a relationship.

Do I want to be a wife and a mom? Yes. With the depths of my heart I do.

But, I trust that my Abba knows this. So, I trust He is helping me become the best wife & mom I can be one day –
To one of His sons, a like-minded man who is equally prepared & prayed up (maybe even more so).

The question: “does he/she love Jesus?” should never be an obsolete question when discussing relationships – it should be the most important.

So, does he love Jesus? 
If the answer is no, or maybe, or I don’t know, then, move along. I’m not the one.
If the answer is yes; then, may God guide you rightly.


Do you think it is expecting too much to expect someone dedicated to Christ? Let me know your thoughts below. 

If you, like me, are waiting for a God-loving man or woman, let me know below. I will add you to my prayer list & we can encourage one another. And, as we wait, enjoy this post just for my future “him” 🙂

Why I Should Probably Work Part-Time When I’m a Mom Someday…

So, I have a few days of #SingleLife to make up for that I missed during October. So, here goes one:

Today, I was struck by the thought: When I become a mom, I should probably work part-time…

And, I’ll tell you why.

If I work full time:

  • Forget getting breakfast in the morning; my kids won’t even be on time to school, like, ever…I will not be able to get up early enough to get them off to school on time, much less fix them the breakfast they need as growing kiddos. For instance, this morning? I woke up 20 minutes before needing to leave the house, & I ate a previously cooked egg as my breakfast. That’s right. Egg. Singular. So, no, that’s not going to work…
  • Speaking of food, I really do enjoy cooking. I mean, did you see the lovely meal I cooked yesterday? (See it here). But, I can’t be Suzy Homemaker every day when I work 10 hours a day (I know, that’s  more than full time – welcome to the educational, mental health, and medical fields…) So, tonight’s dinner? Left over chili, chips, and chocolate. I can’t feed that to my family every night. I mean, I could, the chili was great, gluten free, & I made it from scratch. But, still, my future family deserves more. I’d like to be able to cook more than once a week for them.
  • Time. I have a tendency to be a work-a-holic who has trouble saying no or putting boundaries on my work time. But, when I work part time – talking like, 30 hours or less, I’m much better at it. I want more time with my family when I get one. I feel it’s best for them, and I know it will be best for me.
  • My creativity & passion severely suffer with a full time job. I face a greater threat of burn out & stress, losing myself in helping others & realize how hard this world has it. Thank God He’s in control and I’m not…now, if only I could tap that creativity & passion, brining back my motivation to write a story to completion.

If I’m a stay at home mom:

  • I’ll. Get. Bored. Now, I’ve worked with kids all my life. Kids of literally all ages. I know that they are entertaining, a handful, a full time job in and of themselves. But, I also know, without adult interaction, I will get bored. My co-workers & I sometimes go into one another’s offices to have conversations once the kiddos head home, simply because we’ve spent all day talking to kiddos. So, I need a grown up outlet.
  • It’s kind of impractical in today’s world for everyone to be a one income household, and I suspect, we will not be a family blessed with that ability. I know my husband will likely need some support from me, financially, even if just to help pay off my student loan debt.
  • I have student loan debt. That’s not my future husband’s responsibility, it’s mine. I followed God’s call, and I bear that weight. If he want’s to help, great, but it’s my responsibility and mine alone.
  • I have student loan debt from getting a degree. One I’ve worked my entire life for. I can’t imagine living a life where that get’s pushed to the side, never used again.

So, the answer seems to me: part time working mom. It’s really the only way for me, I’d guess.

So, now, the prayer begins that I can be that kind of mom when the time comes. Balancing work & life. Bringing Glory to God by the life I live, and honor to my husband in all I do.

Final note: For all you rockin’ moms out there: Keep up the good work! I read your blogs, I see how hard you are all working. Breast feeding moms & formula moms. Working moms & stay at home moms. Home cooking moms & eat out moms. Crunchy, traditional moms & techno, modern moms. Creative arts moms & sports moms. You’re all working really hard for your loved ones, and it’s great! I genuinely can’t wait to be in the mom club one day.

I Want to Submit

Here we are at the end of the month…and I didn’t write every day…and I don’t know exactly how well I stuck to the theme I chose.

But, it’s my blog, so that’s really ok with me. Besides, when you’re a rare, chronically single Unicorn, basically every post is a #SingleLife post.

Today, I want to get a little deep, a little serious, though.

Because, honestly, there have been a lot of thoughts going through my head today, and they fill up more time than 5 minutes, for sure.

See, as I’m in this waiting period, I have to be preparing myself, as we’ve talked about before.

And, as a non-feminist feminist, I feel I have a lot of preparing to do.

I believe in freedom for women & men alike, otherwise, what did Christ die for?

I believe in being fairly paid for a job I do, based on experience, time, & training, regardless of my sex/gender (which, I feel the Proverbs 31 woman would probably agree).

I believe in mutual submission (you know, Ephesians 5 stuff)…but –

And, this is a big BUT –

My submission is called to be different than his.
Mine revolves around due respect, of him, of his position, of our relationship, and of Christ’s headship over both of us.
His  revolves around the command to love & sacrifice, caring for me as Christ does his church.

At it’s core, submission has more to do with our position related to Christ than to one another, because in our position related to Christ we find our position related to one another.

The thing is: I want to submit.

For someone as fiercely independent as myself, career woman, driven and ambitious, I know that sounds strange.

However, if a man is honestly following Christ, living as Christ asks, he will be easy to submit to. My submission will just be natural, honoring him & Christ. Our lives will be a reflection of that. Our motivation & direction will be the same.

Here’s the kicker: if I choose wrong, I’m still called to a life of submission.

Which is why I’m still single…

Because I refuse to submit to just any old body. Now, some say I am too picky.

Waiting for someone as passionate about God’s will as I am.
Waiting for someone who wants to be actively involved in ministry.
Waiting for someone who seeks a life active in travel and sharing God in more than one place.
Waiting for someone who is moving in the same direction as I am, with an end goal at the foot of the throne.

Too picky? False.

I want to be obedient to Christ. I want to submit.

Honestly, I am looking forward to letting someone else take the lead for a while…I’ve been doing it for nearly 2 decades now, so I’d be willing to allow someone else to take over. But, just as I’m preparing myself, he has to be prepared, also.

So, until then, I will continue to wait, pray, and prepare.
Until then, I will be passionate and faithful, learning to be even more so in the small things (otherwise, He can’t trust me to be faithful with the bigger things, but that’s a post for a future evening).

Until then.