Perhaps…

“A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” – Proverbs 31:10-12

Each time I come across those words, I get a stab in my heart.

Anyone who has read my blog for more than one post knows there is something beautiful I am attempting to wait patiently for: a Godly man to come into my life & add to the ministry God has placed on my heart.

And, I wish with everything that I could say that I have done this: “bring him good, not harm, all the days of my life”, but I have failed at this more than once. Allowing my eyes, heart, mind to wander, be tempted to things that are not honoring to the man that will one day enter my life.

Blessed for me, though, my Abba is one who redeems.

And, I know that He continues to protect my desire for a man who feels like home.

As Christina Perri (who I am currently in mini-obsession with) sings:

“You put your arms around me and I’m home.”
– Christina Perri ‘Arms’

One day, this is something I joyfully hope for. When I think about that relationship, feeling like home, I see cozy fall days; I see a man who is crazy in love with Jesus.

I think about my favorite TV couples (because, perhaps, I maybe, just a little bit, watch a tad too much of that TV stuff…), and though I enjoy those relationships, I can’t wait to see how much more I enjoy our love story.

Because, I so look forward to that coming home, home in his embrace feeling.

Who knows…?

Perhaps he is just around the corner.

Perhaps he is just a day away.

Or, perhaps he is another twenty years away.

I don’t know.

But, what I do know, is that I will continue to do my best to bring him good and not harm as many days of my life as I can, even before our paths cross.

So that, perhaps, one day, he will find home in my arms as well.


*Connected also with this week’s Tuesday @ 10 – Patience*


Along with my current Christina Perri obsession, I have discovered this lovely, moving video. It moved me and tugged at all of my heart strings. Tugged.Them.All. Please enjoy:

Christina Perri “The Words” from ‘Head or Heart’
Video from Christina Perri YouTube

#LovelySunday – HOPE

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”
– Proverbs 13:12

I did it. 

I packed up my life, loaded as much of it into my car as would fit, and drove across country with my mom. Back to a place I never thought I’d call home again.

Now, a week later, I’m all settled in.

I went back to the church I grew up in. Had an incredible time of worship. 

I’ve reconnected with my dearest friend. And, spent a lot of time with my family.

I’ve applied for countless jobs and have begun praying for my dwindling finances.

So, tonight, I took to the internets – the dating sites, as it were.

And, apparently, my options are more limited here than they were on the Left Coast…

So, it seems, for now, my mate is not to be found online. And, as at first, that struck me as making it a hopeless cause.

But, really?

I have all the hope in the world.

Other than for four months last year, Single is what I do. 

Do I want a partner? Absolutely

My heart longs for it. Some days, the ache is almost all I can take. Some days, my heart cries out in ways only my heart can cry out. 

But most days? I can definitely survive until it happens; I can survive if it never happens.

But, I have hope – hope that a partner will come some day.

I have hope because my Abba God knows my heart. He knows the ache in there. He knows it intimately, because He created it.

I have hope, because I pray for “him” almost every day:

I have been “devoted to [him] in love…joyful in hope, patient, and faithful in prayer”
(Romans 12:10&12)

For over a decade, my heart has held a special place for “him” and I have hope my Abba will fill that space.

Because, I believe that it is within His will that many of His people find an ezar (Gen 2:18). He knows it is not good for us to be alone, and He created this space in our hearts.

As for what I am patiently waiting & praying for?

Some people have told me that by requiring “he”  be a Man of God, that I am asking too much. That people, especially in my generation, are just not as devoted to Christ as they used to be. So, I should dull down that standard. Perhaps a “church goer” is enough; or maybe someone who is just “spiritual”.

To that, my whole-hearted response is:
I would rather serve Christ alone & single, than serve Christ alone & in a relationship.

So, is my standard too high?

Perhaps – but it’s not going anywhere.

So “he’s” not online. That’s ok. That just gives me hope that God has something even greater in mind for our love story.

And, I can’t wait to see what He makes of it.

“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” – Romans 8:25

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” – Romans 15:13


Is there something you are patiently trusting God for? If so, I recommend taking advice from the new movie “War Room” (which, if you haven’t seen, I highly recommend). Begin to fight in prayer, that’s where patience is grown and the battle is won. Keep trusting God. Stand on His word. He is faithful.

*I have written this post in conjunction with last week’s Tuesday @ 10 and as part of my own #LovelySunday series.

Dear Heart

It’s Sunday, but I’m doing a Five Minute Friday post. That means: 5 minutes, no over-thinking, no-over editing. Just pouring out my heart.

This week’s prompt is DEAR. And, I have written a letter, a letter to my heart & a letter to my love, who isn’t quite in my life yet. A simple letter of what I desire & what I hope to find. A young 20-something’s simple longing for a love to find her one day, in God’s time. Perhaps a little naive, perhaps a little too romantic. Perhaps a little far-fetched, but it is where my heart is…

Ready? GO:

Dear Heart & Love:

We may not be Cory & Topanga, but I’d like that kind of devotion.
We may not be Todd & Christy, but I’d like that kind of purity.
We may not be Chandler & Monica, but I’d like that kind of friendship.
We may not be Marshall & Lily, but I’d like that kind of playfulness.
We may not be Derek & Penelope, but I’d like that kind of flirtiness.
We may not be Luke & Lorelai, but I’d like that kind of patience.
We may not be Westley & Buttercup, but I’d like that kind of passion.
We may not be Eli & Katie, but I’d like that kind of adventure.
We may not be Four & Tris, but I’d like that kind of fearlessness.

And, dear Love, you may not know who many of these are, and that’s ok. Our story will be so much & more. It will be the day to day. It will be friendly & passionate, playful & patient, pure & flirty, a fearless adventure of devotion. Our story, penned by God, patiently awaited, will be my favorite of all.

I have no idea where you are, who you are, but I wait, knowing God’s timing is better than mine. 

And, dear Heart, I wait for His lead to bring us together. In Love. For. His. Glory. 

See you soon,
Love, Me

It’s only just begun…

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written. In my post “So, there’s this guy…” I wrote about the Airman & a few of our dates. I also shared how hard it is to write about our dates because they are so precious to me. That is still true, it is really hard, now that we are seeing each other regularly, to share about our adventures with strangers. I feel somehow the need to protect what he and I have. But, I let you guys in to my world when I was single & hoping for this dating thing to begin. So, I will continue to do my best to respect the loyalty I have to you here, and my loyalty to my new…um…relationship?

Since my last post, our total number of dates has gone to 7, with an 8th one coming soon. One a week, so that means, we are going on two months now. Truth is, I’m growing quite fond of the Airman 🙂

IMG_0750

Sunlight through the Redwood trees

So far, pretty much every date has been dinner, and…(or and, dinner…)

We have gone hiking in a beautiful redwood forrest, after which, I managed to talk him into taking me to the nearby beach (because, really, when I’m that close to a beach, I’m gonna need to go). At the end of the night, just weeks before my 26th birthday, we kissed. A sweet goodnight kiss as he dropped me off at my doorstep.

We’ve seen two movies (Blended & Maleficent…I highly recommend both); we have gone on a picnic in the park; and he came to celebrate my birthday with my family in The City. (Yes, my family…the Airman was brave enough to meet most of my mom’s family, mom included…He has also been brave enough to meet my dad…).

 

When I started writing about being single, and about beginning to date, I didn’t give much thought about what this would all look like when I began dating – dating one person… I didn’t really give much thought to how I’d want to protect the boundaries of the relationship & the privacy of the other person, nor did I really think about how private I would want to be about the whole experience.

I also, as I said, am not too sure what people want to read about it, exactly, but one question I do keep getting is, “So, has anything official been discussed.” And, honestly, no, not yet.  Cousin told me, “now’s the time where you have to think about it, before he asks (if he asks), is, do you want to be his girlfriend?” She paused, waiting for me to answer. “Oh, you’re really asking? Well, yes, I do.”  So, truth is, nothing “official” has been expressly asked/stated, but, I’m not dating anyone other than the Airman. So, if/when he wants to ask outright (if that’s even his style), I’m going to gladly say yes.

Right now, I’m just enjoying our time together. And being content in knowing he is enjoying our time together, too…

Ok, and, I’ll be honest: I really do like him 🙂 And, I’m pretty confident that he likes me too 🙂

Quiet Ache

Many days, being single is no big deal for me. Actually, it’s kind of nice.

I love that I get to fill my school and work schedule, and spend time on my friends and family, without thinking I am neglecting someone. I can pick up and go on a weekend trip, or a trip to Oklahoma, or just disappear for a day without checking in with anyone.

The time on my own has taught me how to take care of myself. I know how to fix toilets, kill spiders, catch lizards. I can clean, cook, pay my bills.

Being single has given me a chance to develop my hobbies, like writing and painting (again, without worrying my alone time is neglecting someone else). It gives me the amazing opportunities to chase my dreams and focus on what I need to do to make those dreams come true.

I get to spend my time, money, and energy on me (selfish, I know, but it is kinda fun & freeing).

Above all, being single has given me a lot of time to build my relationship with Christ. I focus on living a life that is Christ-centered and pleasing to Him, rather than a life that will be pleasing to a guy. I get to learn to love myself the way Christ loves me, not relying on the love of a guy, which may not always be steady.

Most of the time, this is great for me. I’m really good at being single. And, as I’ve said before, though I make jokes about “chronic singleness”, I actually find it extremely enjoyable.

At least, that’s how I feel most of the time.

But, occasionally, in quite hours of the day/night, my heart aches quietly. I ache for someone I don’t even know yet. I desire the friendship, the love, the passion.

My heart cries, “Something’s missing…” and “why am I not wanted, not pursued?

In some quiet moments, the dull ache stirs.

I know I’m not alone. I know many have felt it at one time or another.

But, we try to hide it, scared that we want so much. Embarrassed at our desire for intimacy with another. Some, ashamed that maybe, just maybe, God doesn’t feel like enough.

That’s how I felt this afternoon. The dull ache returned. A desire for that best friend. A desire for the love. A desire for the intimacy. A desire for the one who will push me to step slightly outside of my comfort zone (and who I will trust so completely, I will be willing to do so). A desire for a ministry partner. A desire for a man who will encourage & bolster my walk with God.

A desire for – I’ll admit it – a husband. Not just a first date or first kiss. A husband. A love.

The man to whom I can be ezer (Genesis 2:18).

The ache is there. It is real for many of us. Whether we’ve been on 0 dates or 1000 dates. The desire is in us.

The question is, what do we do with it?

Today, I turned it back to God & let Him soften it. Peace filled in to take it’s place.

I know the ache will return, but I’ll just give it over to Him again;

Until the prayer is answered and the hope is fulfilled.

If you are single, does the ache ever get to you? If you are already in a relationship, did the ache ever get to you? When it did, what did you do?