A Psalm of Brokenness

I have never shied away from the hard stuff – and right now, my family is going through a hard time.

My heart is left broken and bare; so, tonight, I have a new poem to share:

A Psalm of Brokenness

GOD,
I feel like I’m drowning.
Financially. Family. 
Emotionally.
Life circumstances.
My choices.
Surrounded by brokenness
and hopelessness.
Jesus, you never promised
an easy life;
A life without troubles.
So, I pray
Peace in the storm.
Take my worries and cares.
Don’t let me fall.
Don’t let me drown.
Keep me afloat,
Ready for what’s next.
May each of these
Messy, sticky situations
find their way to 
Bring Glory to your name.
Lord, be my strength.
Forever I will praise your
Wonderful, powerful
Beautiful name.

©Candice Jenee’ 2017

 

 

I Carry It All

In the back of my Bible are 2 very special pages; my war-room.

Actually, I got the idea from The Sacred Echo by Margaret Feinberg.  It’s two facing pages that I keep prayer requests & prayer prompts on. Many just names, or names & ways to pray for them.  Scrawled in the middle of one of those pages, a verse that resembles my heart, and centers my prayers:

image

This is why I do what I do every day.

And, on these two pages, I let out the hard stuff so I don’t have to carry it around all the time. Because, I am not meant to carry it alone.

But, my call is to be there with people in their brokenness, then turning it over to God.

It is why my heart is so pulled toward ministry (read more about my tiny house ministry dreams by clicking that link).

The fact is, though, in my career, I carry it with me. It becomes a part of shaping who I am and how I interact with the world.

Tonight, it was a lot, so I wrote a poem about it, and I really felt the need to share it for others in similar places:

I Carry It All

I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
But, I carry it all.
Every story,
Every broken heart.
Every thread-bare home,
Every scarred body and soul.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
It’s a passion in my heart;
A stirring in my spirit;
Divinely driven.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
He is my Joy and Strength.
He is the reason I don’t buckle
under the weight.
Because, I carry it all.
It’s in my heart;
It’s in my mind.
The weight in heavy
on my Spirit.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
This is my life;
The path I’ve chosen.
It makes my heart alive,
And breaks me all the same.
This will always be my call;
And, I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least not mine alone.
So, I pass it on to Him,
Casting it all on His heart.
Because, I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.

©CandiceJenee2017

 

Surrounded by Perspective

What is it?
Success? Beauty? Happiness?

Where is it found?
On the outside? On our skin?
Is it pigmentless melanin?
A pair of baby-blues; or
Emerald greens?
Money and power?
A ladder to climb to a 
Glass Ceiling?
Perfect, smiling families?
Suburban, picket fences?
I don’t think it’s there.
On the outside.
I believe I’ve found it- 
Within.
Success. Beauty.
Happiness.
Deep within my 
Soul.

Success, beauty, happiness.

These are interesting concepts to me; concepts we strive for.

Recently, I haven’t written as much…already in February, and I have just barely been holding on to the two most important challenges that I set for myself in January.

I have been feeling discouraged; and, I’ll admit, finding myself back in a place of intense anxiety and growing depression.

Questions looming; why did I move here? Was this all a mistake?

But, by surrounding myself with God’s people. Being in His presence, my perspective has shifted.

I know there is more inside of me…and each discouraging moment is offset by the reminder that I am in this for His Glory, not my own.

Surrounding myself with this new perspective changes everything.

Am I 100% happy all the time? No, but I know my happiness is situational, while my Joy is from the Lord, and He sustains it.

Am I comfortable in my skin 100% of the time? No, but I know that I have been knit together by the Creator of the universe, and simply for that, I am a beautiful creature. And, I’m finally at a place in my life where I’m not awkward about my body, because it is a beautiful, working body that gets me going each day.

Am I exactly where I think I need to be in my career? I’m getting there. This is just the beginning, and each day God blesses me by using me. Allowing me to plant seeds of hope, even when my clients don’t see it or realize yet where they are coming from.

Each day, I surround myself with the things of God – more and more. His Word. Time with Him. His people.

My perspective switches to a Kingdom perspective; and Success, beauty, and happiness are all found there.

How does what you surround yourself with change your perspective?

 


Linking up this week for Tuesdays @ 10. The topic this week is SurroundHead over to Finding the Grace Within to join the fun!

DREAMS (T@10)

During the Night
Reality falls Away
Eliminating Fear
And
Making my 
Spirit Alive & New

Such a BIG word for me right now – as graduation approaches, reaching some body/fitness goals (see tomorrow’s #WorkItWednesday post), searching for a new job/internship, continuing to pray/hope for the romance department.

And, I’m holding on to Promises God made long ago. Promises that He has a plan for me. That He will take care of me. That I won’t be alone.

All he asks is that my focus would remain on Him.

I forget that part, sometimes. Focusing instead on the cares of this world. Sometimes on what I call “dreams”, which really are not, and simply serve to steal my peace.

Yet, when I refocus on Him, pouring out my soul & allowing Him to stir me up, the passion re-ignites. His dreams come alive in me and I am inspired to once again move forward.

My dreams?

A life focused on Him. One that reveals Him to others and builds His Kingdom.

Do I know what it will look like?

Not exactly. But, I do know it will be/is filled with love, beauty, and passion.

It’s:

My Spirit Alive.

(Dreams ©Candice Jenee’, 2015)

Thanks for reading this week’s Tuesday @ 10 post. Head over to Karen’s little corner of the internet to read more!

The Growing

This week’s Tuesday @ 10 word is “Grow”… so many ways one can go with that.

But, tonight, I don’t feel much grown.

After many tears today, especially the last couple of hours, my eyes burn; left my throat sore & raw, my lungs burning from irregular air flow. My body exhausted.

Instead of feeling grown, I feel like I have spent the day as a scared kid.

And, I tell myself I thought I was past all this:

Every time, I swear it’s the last time…
I swear I’ve learned the “signs”
And can stop the onset.
It’s a Lie!
Still, they come, like a flood.
Air escaping, throat tightening
Thoughts 10000 miles a minute
Out of Control.

But, I always tell myself, 
“That’s the last one.”
IT’S A LIE…
I can no more stop them 
Than I can make the Sun stop shining.
And, I’m Tired.
Tired of pretending.
Tired of running.
Tired of acting so strong,
When really, I seem to be the 
Weakest Person I Know.
Yet, every time I think I can’t go on,
I am Amazed that I am able to
Make it through
Just One More Day.

So, maybe the growing is not in stopping, but in accepting. Maybe the growth is the process, the timing, the learning.

Perhaps, the growth is in loving oneself, even when an “episode” has happened. Maybe, just maybe, the real growth is in being able to make it through

Just. One. More. Day.