Let me introduce myself…

Now, I’ve had this blog for about for about 2 years, and was hosted on Blogspot for about 4 years before. So, I’ve been blogging for 6 years…

And, I feel the need to re-introduce myself. So much has happened in the past 6 years, this blog has been through so many seasons & cycles itself.

Back to me – I am passionate about God’s unrelenting, unwarranted, and absolutely unconditional love -His Agape. Making His children Agapetos – the beloved.

But, knowing I am the beloved, and feeling it all the time are two entirely different things.

Sometimes, that not-feeling has come from the huge, 10 year battle with depression that I fought…which is trying to rear it’s ugly head again…Sometimes, it comes from the heart pounding, suffocating anxiety I feel like will be with me forever…Sometimes, it comes from the chronic singleness that has engulfed my life…

Yet, whatever the reason, my lack of feeling does not negate the truth of my being.

I am beloved…

And, in this season of my life, I want to focus on accepting, becoming, and waiting.

  • Accepting: my role as His beloved. Right now, that means being back in a place I never thought I’d find myself again, working in my old schools, and attending a church I left 9 years ago. Right now, it means faith in His perfect plan, His ability to bring beauty from ashes, and His future blessings. Right now, it means simply accepting the present for what it is and turning to Him when the rest get’s overwhelming.
  • Becoming: who I’m meant to be as His beloved. We all have that picture of what we want our lives to be like, and compare when we get there. Mine doesn’t exactly look how I thought, but pretty close. Yet, there are pieces missing…things I thought I’d have or places I’d be. So, I am focusing on becoming that girl – in so far as God leads me there. It also means pushing myself at times, or holding back at times. I am focusing on allowing God to shape me, grow me, stretch me, and sustain me.
  • Waiting: Those who have read my posts before know I am constantly in a waiting phase – and the biggest thing I am waiting for is that Godly man I will one day build a life with. A man I can submit to and serve with. I know I am also waiting on career moves to be opened up. So, I will focus on the wait – the acceptance and becoming that take place in the waiting. The continued faith that God will fulfill and provide for me according to His good will & purpose.

Honestly, it’s not much different than the way the blog has been in the past. Just a little more focused on these aspects of beloved-ness.

Perhaps someone will find this blog, my little slice of the internet, and know they are not alone in their struggle. Maybe, someone will reach out and offer encouragement, not only to me but to readers, as we become and wait. Maybe someone else out there needs to be reminded and encouraged in their own accepting, becoming, or waiting (or all three).

I pray that in the time moving forward (until my next mini-shift), people will be encouraged, people will find community. I pray that God will begin to use me more than ever to reach others like me, or different than me. That my words would touch exactly who they are supposed to, and that in writing them, I too will be changed & challenged.

Thanks for reading! Welcome to my little corner of the world 🙂

Another little word on waiting –

Recently, waiting has been a challenge. I keep hearing from people the same pat Christian answers…and I know they are only trying to help, but, honestly, sometimes I desire more of an understanding and a “this sucks” than anything.

We as believers keep throwing around some of the same phrases, things like: “Wait on God’s timing”, “It’ll happen when you least expect it”, & “focus on becoming the right person.” Honestly, some days, I want to punch anyone who says any of these, even if that first one is actually biblical…And, sometime in the next week or so, I will be writing a post reacting to these semi-myths of Godly waiting.

But, what I want everyone to know is that, just because I get tired of waiting at times (and boy do I grow so weary, especially in the weeks before my birthday…), this doesn’t mean I will give up, compromise, or go my own way. I know, even on the hardest days, God has a plan to use my life for His glory (even if that plan does not include me ever having a husband). And, even on my hardest day, I know a single life serving God is far better than a married life pulled away from Him.

Yet, what I wish people really grasped is that: waiting does not mean doing nothing. Even as a woman.

I can’t wait to share more with all of you as I narrow this focus for this chapter of my life. Thanks so much for reading and joining my journey.

What have you learned over the years about accepting, becoming, and/or waiting? Do you feel God has been brought glory from your life? How about from your relationship story? Do you feel like He used your single time to help you become in the waiting? Has he worked in your heart to accept & be content? Let me know below. I’d love to hear from you!

“I’m Not Nothing!”

“I’m not nothing! I was never nothing! The power you have I don’t need!”
-Emma Swan ‘Once Upon A Time’

Every Sunday, this sentence comes out of my mouth at least once: “It’s Once Upon A Time Time!”

And, in tonight’s episode, in response to a dark voice in her ear, in a show of amazing restraint and power, the main character shouts those lines:

“I’m not nothing! I was never nothing! The power you have I don’t need!”

Does that stir something in you?

It did in me.

You see, I started this day with those pesky little voices in my head reminding me of my “nothingness” – edging out my “enoughness” my “goodness” and my “just rightness”.

I get those pesky little lies in my head – sometimes at work “You can’t do this. You’re not ready. You’re going to fail.” Sometimes with friends/in social settings, “They don’t really want you around. Why would they want to be your friend?”

You’re nothing. You’re worthless. You don’t really have a place to belong. The lies go on and on – even at church.

Though I am glad to be back at my home church, the last couple of weeks, I have felt a little out of place – being Single & an older “young adult” in the MidWest, it’s hard to find the right place.

And, even though I know this is my church home, I keep wondering if something would be better elsewhere. Even though I know this is where God has planted me, I keep wondering if maybe I should try to find another place, greener pastures as it were (ironically, this is partially what we talked about in Sunday School while discussing Jonah).

When I go into the Sunday School class, where I am really enjoying the teaching, I do feel out of place when I first walk in – as the oldest one in the room. Even older than one of the teachers.

It makes me momentarily forget that I have a place in the Kingdom, and that I can still grow where I’m planted. That God’s power is in me & I can serve, if I only seek out ways to do so – exactly where I am.

Sometimes, it even causes momentary amnesia that I am a daughter of the Most High God – adopted into His family through His Son. (Ephesians 1:4-7). That I was created by God, and that the works of His hand are wonderful (Ephesians 2:10; Psalm 139:14).

You know why this scene is so amazing to me?

As someone who has been a faithful viewer (and as a woman who feels the negative lies of the enemy almost daily), this scene is something beautifully empowering.

You see, Emma is central. She is the important key in this show – she has a power all her own & now, at a pivotal moment in her struggle, the darkness is against her – speaking to her as we often have voices in our head speaking to us. But:

She knows who she is, who she has always been – And, she claims it. She fights against the dark voices & stands in her own power.

I want that. When my “nothingness” threatens me, when the enemy tries to entice me with the things of this world. When he tries to convince me that I am nothing, that I am worthless, that I have no place, I want to remember that I stand in God’s power. I want that to be my reaction:

“I’m not nothing! I was never nothing! The power you have I don’t need.”

(P.S. – I think I have now watched this scene about 20 times since it aired. Thank you, DVR!)
*Emma Swan quote from: ‘Once Upon A Time’ – ‘Nimue’ on ABC. (Sundays at 8/7c.)

tRUTH @ 10

  • I spend a lot of time acting like I have it all together & am able to get up each day and push forward…

But, the TRUTH is, I’m always exhausted.  

  • I like to act like I can do everything on my own.

But, the TRUTH is, any energy I have comes from Him, because I stretch myself too thin & refuse to ask for help until I almost break. I tell people God is who is helping me, but not as often as it comes up. Not in a way that says,

“I’d likely have run myself to death like a hamster trapped on a wheel if God’s divine hand wasn’t on me…”

  • I like to display my artwork & writing to encourage/touch others.

But, the TRUTH is, though I do genuinely want to encourage/touch others, I also really like the pats on the back from putting myself out there.

The other truth? I feel a bit let down when no one takes notice.

  • I like to act like I work as hard as I can in school, so that I can get frustrated when things don’t go my way.

But, the TRUTH is, there is a little more I could give; I just want everyone (including myself) to think I am extremely intelligent, because, much of my identity comes from academia.

  • I waited a while to break up with The Airman, believing that maybe I would change my mind; because he is an amazing & sweet guy; not wanting to give up the first real relationship I ever had; fearing I may not get another.

But, the TRUTH was, our lives were not moving in the same direction & more than that, He was not ready to lead spiritually & I wasn’t in a place to follow him. 

  • I said I was heart broken over the decision.

And, the TRUTH is, sometimes, I still ache a little bit. But, it was the best choice to make, for me & him. Those closest to me know it was a tough decision to end things in my short-lived relationship. But, I don’t share that I get sad sometimes because I miss him. I don’t let them know the fear that is there that maybe no one else will want me, especially not one who is passionately in pursuit of Christ.

  • I think the biggest reason I got into the field of psychology is because I want to help people & take care of others.

But, the TRUTH is, I don’t know how not to take care of others.

As I sit here tonight, I think about what I am reading today in my devotional time: RUTH.

She is a woman in the Bible many people have compared me to: Loyal, hard working, honest, dedicated, faithful, & motivated. All words others have used to describe me.

But, the TRUTH is, unlike Ruth, my motives are often extremely selfish. 

Ruth’s desire was to help her mother-in-law, to get to know the God of her mother-in-law, and to follow the laws laid out in that land.

My desire is, oh so often, to make the world think the best of me. Knowing I may not be the best to look at, but still have a lot to offer, and trying to polish that up to give the world something to look at.

Far too often, I am my own idol. I don’t need foreign gods, a golden calf, or baal on a mountain. I need look no further than my mirror to find the idol I have spent much of my life worshiping.

This is something I have to work on daily. Something I have to put off in the flesh, in order to live a life worthy of the Spirit.

“And God spoke these words… ‘you shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourselves an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them: for I , the Lord your God, am a jealous God…” -Exodus 20:1,2-5

How about you? Do you have any idols that need to be put down daily, in order to walk in the Spirit?

Also, head over the the Tuesday @ 10 link up & see what others have to say about Truth.