I Carry It All

In the back of my Bible are 2 very special pages; my war-room.

Actually, I got the idea from The Sacred Echo by Margaret Feinberg.  It’s two facing pages that I keep prayer requests & prayer prompts on. Many just names, or names & ways to pray for them.  Scrawled in the middle of one of those pages, a verse that resembles my heart, and centers my prayers:


This is why I do what I do every day.

And, on these two pages, I let out the hard stuff so I don’t have to carry it around all the time. Because, I am not meant to carry it alone.

But, my call is to be there with people in their brokenness, then turning it over to God.

It is why my heart is so pulled toward ministry (read more about my tiny house ministry dreams by clicking that link).

The fact is, though, in my career, I carry it with me. It becomes a part of shaping who I am and how I interact with the world.

Tonight, it was a lot, so I wrote a poem about it, and I really felt the need to share it for others in similar places:

I Carry It All

I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
But, I carry it all.
Every story,
Every broken heart.
Every thread-bare home,
Every scarred body and soul.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
It’s a passion in my heart;
A stirring in my spirit;
Divinely driven.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
He is my Joy and Strength.
He is the reason I don’t buckle
under the weight.
Because, I carry it all.
It’s in my heart;
It’s in my mind.
The weight in heavy
on my Spirit.
I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.
This is my life;
The path I’ve chosen.
It makes my heart alive,
And breaks me all the same.
This will always be my call;
And, I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least not mine alone.
So, I pass it on to Him,
Casting it all on His heart.
Because, I carry it all;
Though it’s not mine to bear.
At least, not mine alone.



The Gecko Law

I was four, I think. My family was in Hawaii; and it was great, I think. I only have broken memories from the trip. One thing I do remember clearly is fear. Yes, I was in one of the most beautiful places on earth, and I was TERRIFIED! Of what, you ask…well, the geckos of course.

So, my aunt and my cousins-in an attempt to help me sleep in spite of the geckos on our ceiling-told me of the “Gecko Law.” This law states that the geckos are not allowed to come down off the ceiling…I am told that I bought this “law.”

Looking back, I am surprised I didn’t feel a need to know exactly what happened if they came down; but that’s an undeveloped frontal lobe for you. Children have faith-with few questions. The same thing that allowed me to believe the gecko law, allows children to be open to Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, a fairy prince in the flower garden, a monster in the closet, and any other infinite number of possibilities.

The same simple belief that allows them to believe anything is possible allows them to believe in Mommy and Daddy. Especially Daddy. He can do anything, fix anything, and most of all, not only can he, but he will. Perhaps, this is why Christ says that we must have childlike faith to enter the Kingdom (Mark 10:15).

Yet, somewhere along the way we lose this simple faith that allows us to believe that our Abba will be true to His word and take care of us. We doubt, we wonder, we question. Right now, that is where I am at this delicate age of 23. Surrounded by questions, walls that seem insurmountable, and geckos on my ceiling. I feel that familiar emotion, the fear I clearly remember from Hawaii. 

So, why is it so hard for me to believe my Abba when He promises: “Ask, seek, and knock” (Matthew 7:7-9); yet, it was so easy for me to innocently believe a white lie such as the “gecko law.” And, that I believed with no proof; yet He has shown over an over that He will supply my needs (and beyond, if I have enough faith); He will allow Himself to be found (as true, loving, gracious, and merciful); and He will open the doors of opportunity if I continue to knock.

The reason is: I have an enemy. An enemy who takes it upon himself to attack the very Kingdom of the One I love so much. His goal is to be as the thief:

“The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly.” – John 10:10

In my life, that seems to be an attempt from the enemy to:
     *STEAL:   My Peace
     *KILL:    My Dreams
     *DESTROY: My childlike faith and trust in my Abba

But, there is one thing he (and I) often forget: I am on the winning side. Christ brought me life – full, abundant life. (And, here, abundant means: superabundant, above others.) As long as I choose to ignore the voice of the enemy and run to follow the voice of my shepherd, I will be safe and secure in His care.

This is not to say that the road will be easy or without troubles, but I can ask, seek, and knock; and know that He will return with an answer. I will lead an abundant life, and I can sleep peacefully knowing my geckos will stay stuck to the ceiling-its the law.

A lizard I recently found on my kitchen counter…
19 years later, I am able to face that fear, only because of  GOD…
Knowing I am safe in His care.