I am #ProHealth

A broken mind cannot produce a healthy body…and likely will destroy it…

Give…

That’s what this week’s Tuesday @ 10 prompt is over at Finding the Grace Within.

Mine will be quite a bit different, different than what I’m used to posting & different from what many are expecting to read when they see the prompt.

In 2015, I will give support; I will give inspiration; I will give encouragement. I.Will.Give.Hope.

A broken mind cannot produce a healthy body… and likely will destroy it.

Whether those of us who eat too much (& likely move too little…), or those who eat nothing at all; a need to be beautiful, loved, & accepted drives us to the darkness. Ana & Mia (or a false “body positive” attitude) whispers in our ears. And, it truly is but a whisper  – at first. Some of us refuse, defying their directive by shoveling food in. Still others give in, each day, as the whispers become louder, until Ana or Mia (or both) have taken over – completely.

And then, we feel not ourselves. But rather:
I AM Ana
I AM Mia
I AM Fat

There is no longer a distinction – only the identity. 

But we are broken. Not in body, at least not at first. 
We are broken in mind. 

And, a broken mind cannot produce a healthy body…

       ——————————————————————————————————————-

I know I need to lose weight. I may be healthy now, but if I continue to keep carrying close to 200 lbs on my 5’5″ frame, I won’t be healthy long.

I refuse to give in to the whispers Ana or Mia sends my way. I refuse to even acknowledge the temptation to do this any other way than the healthy way. I will not limit my intake to an unhealthy intake simply for the sake of a better looking figure, an unattainable figure, an unhealthy figure.

On the flip side, I refuse to give into the “fat acceptance” movement. I refuse to lean on the excuses of heredity & metabolism. I refuse even the strong temptation to simply “love myself at any size”, because, honestly, I do love myself. But, I also cannot be blind to the fact that “at any size” would one day become a truly unhealthy size, because if we are honest, not all sizes are healthy – on either end of the spectrum.

I refuse to allow my mind to be hijacked by any trend or lie. I refuse to allow it to be tricked in the midst of my refusal to continue to hide behind my body fat.

Most of all: I will rely on Christ to keep my mind & body strong.

And, I will always be #prohealth #prorecovery #antiana #antimia #bodypositive #faster #smaller #stronger #fitspo #notthynspo #healthier #profitness #antibrokenness #prowholeness

In 2015, I will use my story to inspire those, on either side, who want to find a way back to the healthy spot… and I will always remind them it starts at the cross.

His scars cover mine.

You see, one of my goals in the Psych field is to research, shed light on, and treat adolescents with Eating Disorders (both over & under). Also, focusing on the big role Social Media plays today in promoting not only these Disorders, but many others, as well as other extra-societal rituals & practices among teens. These would include today’s #Ana, #Mia, & #Recovery communities, as well as the other side of the coin #bodypositive & #fatacceptance.

All of these young people need love, support, & prayer in the positive direction, the healthy direction; not in favor of their eating disorder.

I’d also like to be in a place of educating & alerting parents, loved ones, & educators on what they may be blind to, may be unaware of, or may be overwhelmed by.

I’ve shared the struggle these kids feel. I have an actual weight problem that has come from too much of the wrong stuff & too little of the right stuff. I have hated myself, hated my body, and hid the scars. I have battled the demons & heard the whispers.

But, my mind says, “you can change this – in a balanced, healthy way.” My confidence is high, where their’s is not. My mind is strong enough, my family supportive enough.

I know immediately that Ana is a fool, and Mia is a liar. I know immediately, also, that “at any size” will one day kill me, if I let it.

So, starting with my story, before I even get my degree, I will begin to give help to those who can’t seem to know this, or who won’t accept it, or who already find themselves slaves to Ana & Mia. Because,

A broken mind cannot produce a healthy body, and likely will destroy it…

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If you have questions regarding these hashtags, or eating disorders, or if you have a story to share, feel free to let me know. You can reach me in the comment section or by email at candice@angelinkilluminations.com
We can make a difference if we are willing to stop hiding and start conversing.

 

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Between There & Here

 

Quietly finding my way

 

Somewhere in the last year and a half, I lost her…

I lost who I was, and who I was working to be.

I became so consumed with school, work, switching jobs, more work, more homework…and just the waiting.

I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been making excuses. I’ve stopped looking.

But, now, no more excuses.

because, today, somewhere between there & here,

I found her…

My Fishy Squishy

I bought a fish…

 

My Fishy Squishy…A Mickey Mouse Platy

7 months ago…

Before life changed so much…yet stayed oh so much the same…

And, as we go into the last month of 2014, I am amazed that though all that has happened the last 7 months, this little guy is still swimming around happily.

Especially as of late, he has been woefully neglected. Thank God, they are a pretty low maintenance fish.

You see, I love fish. And, I had been wanting to get one for a while, but refused to do so until I could be sure to care for it.

Then, I wanted one, so I bought one… Right before vacation… Unsure of who would feed it for 5 days…

So, rather than buying one of the pretty blue bettas I thought I went to the store for, I came home with this inexpensive guy…You know, just in case he didn’t make it through my vacation the next week…

But, he made it. I came home & he was still happily swimming around…7 months later, still swimming. He has survived a vacation, a horrible pump/filter debacle, irregular feedings, & infrequent water changes.

And, you know what, We’ve made it together.

Through  a trip back to Oklahoma for Little Seester’s graduation, through some horrible quarters at school. Through my first date (Squishy literally came into my life the same time as The Airman), my first break-up, quitting a job, a pump/filter debacle (seriously, that destroyed a little piece of both of us), starting back at an old job, a promotion, a new practicum site.

And, we’re both still alive and swimming.

Tonight, as I took a quick moment to partially change his water before curling up in bed to prepare for the 14 hour day ahead tomorrow, I realize that my relationship with God has been surviving in much of the same way.

During all the crazy times of the year, the big ones listed, and the smaller day-to-day craziness we all just face in general, I could have let it all slip away: my fish & my relationship with God. Both could have just died right there at the beginning of summer.

Here’s the thing. One is absolutely essential for me to have made it through everything. And, as much as I love my Squishy, had he died, my life would have continued almost unmoved.

But, had I completely neglected my walk with God, allowing myself to be enveloped by all of the above, or by the day-to-day pressures, I would have fallen apart.

I would not have made it.

I would not have had the boldness to say yes to The Airman, or the strength to break-up with him when the time came. I would not have had the courage to leave a job where I was unhappy & ask for an old job I missed. I wouldn’t have dared to apply for a promotion I had been hoping for since the first time around. I would not have had the persistence to stay in school when it seemed school was doing it’s best to break me. I would not have made it through a 31 day writing challenge. And, even the day-to-day monotony would have broken me.

Finally, I would not have had the care & compassion to take care of Squishy on the days when my energy was simply zapped (which is pretty much every day).

God is my energy provider; it is His Word that is my wisdom, and His presence that is my strength. Apart from Him, I really have no idea where I would be.

So, as we end off November & move into December, I am so thankful that HE IS: always.

And, I am thankful that my Squishy is still here with me 🙂

” ‘Very truly I tell you,’ Jesus said, ‘before Abraham was born, I AM.’ ” –John 8:58

tRUTH @ 10

• I spend a lot of time acting like I have it all together & am able to get up each day and push forward…

But, the TRUTH is, I’m always exhausted.  

• I like to act like I can do everything on my own.

But, the TRUTH is, any energy I have comes from Him, because I stretch myself too thin & refuse to ask for help until I almost break. I tell people God is who is helping me, but not as often as it comes up. Not in a way that says,

“I’d likely have run myself to death like a hamster trapped on a wheel if God’s divine hand wasn’t on me…”

• I like to display my artwork & writing to encourage/touch others.

But, the TRUTH is, though I do genuinely want to encourage/touch others, I also really like the pats on the back from putting myself out there.

The other truth? I feel a bit let down when no one takes notice.

• I like to act like I work as hard as I can in school, so that I can get frustrated when things don’t go my way.

But, the TRUTH is, there is a little more I could give; I just want everyone (including myself) to think I am extremely intelligent, because, much of my identity comes from academia.

• I waited a while to break up with The Airman, believing that maybe I would change my mind; because he is an amazing & sweet guy; not wanting to give up the first real relationship I ever had; fearing I may not get another.

But, the TRUTH was, our lives were not moving in the same direction & more than that, He was not ready to lead spiritually & I wasn’t in a place to follow him. 

• I said I was heart broken over the decision.

And, the TRUTH is, sometimes, I still ache a little bit. But, it was the best choice to make, for me & him. Those closest to me know it was a tough decision to end things in my short-lived relationship. But, I don’t share that I get sad sometimes because I miss him. I don’t let them know the fear that is there that maybe no one else will want me, especially not one who is passionately in pursuit of Christ.

• I think the biggest reason I got into the field of psychology is because I want to help people & take care of others.

But, the TRUTH is, I don’t know how not to take care of others.

As I sit here tonight, I think about what I am reading today in my devotional time: RUTH.

She is a woman in the Bible many people have compared me to: Loyal, hard working, honest, dedicated, faithful, & motivated. All words others have used to describe me.

But, the TRUTH is, unlike Ruth, my motives are often extremely selfish. 

Ruth’s desire was to help her mother-in-law, to get to know the God of her mother-in-law, and to follow the laws laid out in that land.

My desire is, oh so often, to make the world think the best of me. Knowing I may not be the best to look at, but still have a lot to offer, and trying to polish that up to give the world something to look at.

Far too often, I am my own idol. I don’t need foreign gods, a golden calf, or baal on a mountain. I need look no further than my mirror to find the idol I have spent much of my life worshiping.

This is something I have to work on daily. Something I have to put off in the flesh, in order to live a life worthy of the Spirit.

“And God spoke these words… ‘you shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourselves an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them: for I , the Lord your God, am a jealous God…” -Exodus 20:1,2-5

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How about you? Do you have any idols that need to be put down daily, in order to walk in the Spirit?

Also, head over the the Tuesday @ 10 link up & see what others have to say about Truth.

Do Everything In Love

I made it to the end of the month! 31 day challenge: complete!

And, at the end of this month, I found myself wondering, what else can I say on being the Beloved?

I’ve written about so many different facets of this topic, and I have honestly been wondering what final thoughts I could share.

So, I’m just going to give a few:

Remember you are loved.

Remember you were created with care for a purpose.

Remember to be honest.

Remember to trust & be trustworthy.

Remember to be loyal.

Remember He gave everything for you.

Remember He gave everything for those around you, too.

And finally:

Remember to give Love shows that you are Loved by Him:

“Do everything in love.”
– 1 Cor 16:14

What I’ve Learned from the Little Drummer Boy

[I was hoping to be in bed in 15 minutes, so, let’s see how fast I can get this one out 🙂 ]

I know it’s not even Halloween yet, and here I am talking about a Christmas song.

I can’t help it. Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE Christmas time. Fall is my favorite time of year, and Christmas is my favorite Holiday, so, right about now, I’m a pretty happy camper.

This week, I have been listening to some of my Christmas music, and Little Drummer Boy in different versions comprises most of my list.

The Little Drummer Boy is my favorite Christmas song, and today, I was once again in awe of it’s simple beauty. The fact that a child would give all he had to the baby Jesus boy.

I want that…I want that innocence, that willingness, that openness, that love.

This little boy had nothing, literally nothing, to give – especially to a King.

But, he had a talent: drumming.

Something beautiful he could share with the world, and this King-boy. So, the drummer boy plays.

And Jesus smiles.

Why does Jesus smile? 

Because, this boy has given all he had in worship of the Messiah.

It’s the same reason Jesus is moved by the woman who gives her 2 coins: it’s all she has, and she gives it in the temple. (Mark 12:41-44).

I am stingy in many areas…because I am worried about whether or not I will be taken care. I am worried about whether or not I will really have time. I am worried that I may end up with nothing for myself…

This is not the attitude the old woman had – This is not the attitude the Little Drummer Boy had…

This is not the attitude the Beloved should have.

So, as we begin to usher in the Thanksgiving & Christmas season, I plan to work on this attitude.

Starting with these blog posts, starting with opening my heart, moving on to giving of my time & finances – I will use what He has given me & turn it back to His worship, to His service.

Because, when we “play our drum for Him; play our best for Him,” 

Jesus smiles.

I want to make Jesus smile.

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“A gift opens the way and ushers the giver into the presence of the great.”
– Proverbs 18:16

Simplicity – guest post

So, today’s post is something important to me: living more simply. By now, many of you have probably read me talking about my friend, Laura Noelle. She is a stay-at-home wife, making a peaceful space for herself and her husband (and, someday, their children). I learn a lot from her about living simply, living more naturally. I want to be better at it, which is why I always ask her all sorts of questions. She has a lot of videos on her youtube channel that give me little tips, too.

So, when I thought about how I wanted to have a post about living a more simple life, I decided to have someone who knew more about it write a post about it. Because, really, a part of being the Beloved is learning to live in a way that is in harmony with His plan & purpose for the Earth.

And, Laura is learning to do just that:

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Simplicity.

I’m not your average girl. In fact, the more people know about me, the more strange looks and puzzled expressions I get.

See, most people these days can’t understand how a young woman in her mid-twenties would want to stay at home, make her own soap, hand wash her laundry, and embrace a lifestyle of reusable cloth.

It just sounds so…primitive! And, dare I say, gasp…old-fashioned!

Yes, I’ve been nicknamed “Laura Ingalls Wilder” by acquaintances. And that is one of the highest compliments anyone could pay me.

My goal is to embrace a life of simplicity. A life that revels in the everyday activities of homemaking and homesteading. Rather than spending my days solely making money and then shopping to spend that money, I choose to use my time and energy to make my own, natural products and focus on what really matters in life: relationships.

Relationships with family and friends, and with God. I’m the first to admit that my life doesn’t always look peaceful and my relationship with God (or others) aren’t always thriving and strong. But I do believe that God intends for us to be more dependent on Him and the world He made (like the good old days where you had to pray your crops would thrive so you could survive!).

Simple living means less stuff, which means less stress and clutter in our lives. Simple living means I have more time and space to just sit and listen. To sit outside and hear the sounds of nature and know that He has called me, His Beloved, to live differently than the world. God doesn’t want us to be overwhelmed, stressed out and sick all the time. But that’s how today’s society runs. And we don’t have to live like that!

And while not everyone is cut out for homesteading, we all can try to live a little more naturally and simply, which I’m pretty sure is how He intended life to be.

“If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.”
– John 15:19 (NIV)

***Laura Noelle is an author & vlogger, as well as co-founder of AngelInk Illuminations. Simple living is her passion, and she has a desire to help and support women who want to focus on family first – whether they work in or out of the home.***

Relationships

I have spent the last 24 days writing about what it means in our own lives to be Beloved.

At some point, knowing that and accepting that as our role should probably reflect in our relationships.

If we really start living from a place of being Beloved, how we act in relationships should begin to mirror that.

It can happen in our business relationships:

• Getting along with coworkers, even if they rub us the wrong way or treat us poorly. Reacting with an attitude of service rather than malice.
• Getting things done with a smile, and maybe even going the extra distance.
• If we are in a partnership or running a business, doing things in a timely manner & keeping commitments
• (Keeping up with projects & keeping commitments in general is the best way to be in business)

It can show in our friendships:

• Being there when a friend is in need
• Keeping promises & commitments
• Being loyal
• Being honest
• Making time
• Serving them

It should show in our partnerships:

• Building the other person up
• Pointing the way to God
• Putting his/her needs above our own
• Letting them go if you know God has something better for both of you

And, it will show up in all of our other relationships, too. Classmates, family, acquaintances.

Once we begin to really learn what being the Beloved looks like, feels like, sounds like, we will begin to walk in it. We will become it. And, it will show in all that we do, because it becomes who we are.

And, I had a classmate today tell me that she noticed something different in me (which I am going to write a different post to expand on), and a bit part of that is my acceptance that I am His Beloved.

“This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another… let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth.”
– 1 John 3:16&18

Dare – 5MF

It’s friday! And, only one week left of the 31 day blogging challenge. I have to say, I am pleased with my progress. I have managed to write every day! Even on days when I was exhausted, only had a verse, or had a huge migraine.

It feels good to know that each day, I have been able to stretch myself, practice my craft, & share my art form(s) with the world.

Here on Fridays (when I can), I like to participate in Five Minute Friday from over at Heading Home. Each Friday, a prompt is posted, and a wonderful group of people link up. We write for 5 minutes on the prompt, no over-thinking, no over editing.

Today’s prompt is

Dare

Ready? GO:

I can hear Him calling to me:

Live the life of faith…

It’s almost a dare – a dare to live not in fear, but in faith.

You see, I live my life straddling that fine line between fear & faith, each day can find myself on any given side of the line – or even at any moment.

Trust me, my daughter. You are a child of the King, adopted into my family by belief & confession of the blood of the Cross. Live it.

It’s the dare again – drop the fear, live out the faith.

So now, the question:

Do I dare?

STOP

“For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to by holy and blameless in His sight. In love, He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One He loves.” – Ephesians 1:4-6

Day 23

When one agrees to a challenge like blogging every day for 31 days on a particular subject, one does so without knowing what those 31 days will actually bring.

Mine have brought some excitement, some insight, some sleep-less nights (lots of exhaustion), and the last couple of days major headaches (tonight’s a migraine)…

So, as I type this, I’m distracted by the pounding in my head, the fact that my neck & back also hurt, and my eyes want to close.

But, I haven’t failed yet, and don’t plan to today.

Because, even on days when my body is against me, God is still sovereign. Even on days when I’m hurting or upset (physically or emotionally), God has my life in His hands. Even on days when I am so distracted by the troubles of the world, God is patiently waiting for me to turn back and focus on Him.

So, that is what I am doing now, in these few quiet moments at the end of my day, before turning in early for once this month.

“Each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing His songs.”
– Psalm 42:8