Hung out with Little Seester, passed out candy to the few trick or treaters, watched Halloween movies, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my work bag for tomorrow.
Honestly, though, I have to say good riddance to October. It’s been a heck of a month & I’m ready to say goodbye &
Hello to more of my favorite time of year. Colder weather, cuter clothes, & more motivation for my dreams (fall and winter always seem to wake my sleeping heart).
I’m not sure if I’ve really gotten much in the way of singleness – but, the beautiful thing about this point in my life is: it’s really all the #SingleLife.
I mean, I am single, and content…so, it’s all about that single life.
And, for some of us, during that single part of our life, it’s about doing whatever we can to take care of ourselves.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I one day want to find someone to build a life with & to take care of each other, but for now, It’s just me…
AAALLLL BYYYY MMMYYYYYYSEEEELLLLFFF!!!
Ok, just kidding, sort of.
At this time in my life, I have a good job, my own place (that I share with Little Sister), and I enjoy my extra activities.
Unfortunately, there are some months where I don’t make quite enough. So. I got some extra work, because I do what I gotta do to build the life I want for myself (that Tiny House ain’t gonna fund itself 🙂 )
Something I have learned, we all do what we gotta do for ourselves and our families. For instance, I’ve gotten back into the Scentsy game – direct selling. Honestly, I’m not the best salesman (ahem, woman), but I love the community & filling the world with smells that fill the soul (hence the #ScentFilledSoul)…
But, it’s not just us single girls going into that direct sales game:
It’s the college student trying to get herself through school to her dream life. That one is Little Sister – her Zeal life is now a business. And, let me tell you, as one recently diagnosed gluten sensitive (as well as other things) & instructed to cut out gluten, this is one supplement I can take without fear. It boosts energy, gives me all the vitamins & iron I need without making my tummy ache, and really, just puts my body in a good place. Check it out here.
It’s the stay at home mom trying to do her best to support her family by means of a business that allows her to spend time with her kids & filling their world with products they love:
My friend Ashlie helps her family by building her Younique business. I love her ticks and tricks for quick mornings, out the door with the kiddos. It allows her to spend time with her little, and do things on her terms. Check her stuff out here.
My friend Laura Noelle (my readers probably know her by now) – she and I have been doing the business stuff almost our whole friendship..As a matter of fact, she started my Scentsy journey with me back in the day, but, now, she’s in that Young Living life. She’s my go to for essential oil tips & information. I love all my Young Living oils that I get through her, and they make my world a little bit better. Peppermint as a natural way to soothe my tummy, lime to make my H2O better, and lavender to help me sleep 🙂 Check her out here.
These direct sellers I know (and you know) we all have a different story, a different reason for doing what we do. If you are interested in any of these products, go check em out. Show them some love.
If you want your world to smell amazing, check out my Scentsy site.
Or, if you have your own “do what I gotta do” story, share it with me. Lets support & encourage one another.
“Life is definitely a journey, not a competition” – ?
There are a lot of days, since I’m early in my career, that I find myself wondering “what am I doing? Am I doing what I’m supposed to? Am I educationally or emotionally prepared for what I’m doing?”
I mean, of course I am, this is all a part of the process. It’s the act of asking those questions that lets me know I’m on the right path…
And, then, there are days like today. And, it was a Monday for sure, by all definition.
But, I had that kind of day that reminded me I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, and that I am ready for where I am.
I hate Mondays as a rule, but, as far as Mondays go, today was great. And, considering how the past few weeks have been, it was a welcomed relief to have one of those days to start off my week.
So, now, as I’m about to settle in for the night, all I can say is: Oh, Monday.
Some days just feel…hopeless. Like, what am I doing this for? How can I possibly make a difference in the world? There’s just too much ugly garbage…
But, then, there are days like today (which started off as that), but remind me that, even by affecting change for one person, I’ve impacted the world in a small way.
When there’s so much darkness, and you’re the only light, it’s hard not to be overcome. But, it’s really the darkness that must be overcome by the light. After all, it’s light that consumes darkness.
I don’t give up, even on the worst, most exhausting days, because, even when the world tries to convince me it’s hopeless – I know the greatest hope there is.
Belittled. Demeaned. Hiding in her room. Creeping down hallways, Tears staining a frightened face. Stop the yelling! It’s too loud… Why do you tell everyone you’re so proud? Do you even know what love is, When smiling photos are just a lie?
This is God’s plan, they say. So, He wants little girls and boys to Suffer this way? Who couldn’t even make their own choices, Or know of anything else?
Stay strong, they say. As if I have another choice.
Just give it to God, they say. But, wait, didn’t they say it’s been In His hands all along? How do I trust the God who led me here… Again? Where do I begin… Again? Lord, I do believe,
Now, please help me in my unbelief Because, on my own
I.Am.Nothing. On my own, This will surely
Crush.My.Soul
10 years. 10 years I fought the biggest battle of my life. Depression came in 2nd only to my choking anxiety. Though, I felt insecure, sad, and confused early on – I was 10 years old when I can remember actual depression starting.
The dark cloud followed me. My world lacked definition and color. I existed in a grey world. Lacking joy. Lacking peace.
I was just a little girl…but one voice in my life told me a big lie, showed me his words were “true” and an enemy unlike any I could have imagined took hold.
But, though God had never abandoned me, He finally took hold. There was finally a release. And, for 8 years, I’ve been free. Beautifully free.
Six months back in the worst place I’ve ever known, around the most toxic person I’ve ever had to have in my life, and it’s almost back in full force.
When I moved back, I thought it could be different; things were getting better. I thought I could stay clean here – but I’ve relapsed.
I thought I had the tools – I do have the tools.
And, though I do this with others daily, still the question arises:
How do we use these tools when the toxic environment doesn’t change?
You see, we lack a voice.
Depression and anxiety have kept me so worried about my family that I have no voice – no way to expose the abuse & injustice done…Unfair for a 5 year old. Unfair for a 13 year old. Unfair for a 28 year old.
And, after all, who can I talk to in the church? The “safe place”.
Because, honestly, the church has, as a whole, been extremely irresponsible when it comes to Mental Health concerns & abuse.
Over the years, I’ve heard:
Well, what did you do?
He’s the head.
Your job is just to be submissive. Your mom, too.
This is God’s plan.
Just try to stay strong.
Shh. You can’t talk about that. Especially not here.
How he treats your mom is none of your business.
The most freeing words I’ve ever heard from a pastor was that the ABUSER breaks the covenant with God by abusing the power & breaking God’s will. Not the spouse. Not the kids.
This is why I have spent my entire adult life giving a voice to others’ struggles…reflecting places where I could not give a voice to my own. (Proverbs 31:8-9)
But I refuse to be afraid anymore.
So, I’ve decided to attempt to extend an olive branch, do some patch work, explain my side, demand a response, and let the chips fall where they may.
But, I will no longer stay silent. I will give a voice – finally, a true & honest voice – to my pain, my struggle. I will no longer live in fear or walk on eggshells.
Not for my family. Not in my church. Not in my life.
Because, I fully believe God did not intend for me to live this way.
He intended for me not to live in the darkness that has been so familiar, but in His light.
He did not intend for me to fear judgement of others, but to trust in His love.
His intent was not that children would be used, rejected, & broken,
But to be loved, trained, and disciplined through both.
You see, what happened in the darkness – secret things like this – are not meant to remain secrets (Mark 4:22, Matthew 10:26, Luke 8:17)… So, after 23 years, it’s time.
It’s no longer a burden I will carry. At least, not alone.
There’s almost nothing better than a brand new journal – fresh pages ready to be filled with feelings, stories, adventures.
And, I got this beauty all ready for the 2016 year – complete with my set of Challenges. Not resolutions – because who sticks with resolutions anyway?
2015 has been quite a wild ride, but I am so looking forward to the opportunities God opens up in 2016. And, seeing how far I can stretch myself, weather or not I can accomplish my challenges, & see how much closer I get to the life I want for myself.
As I move forward through this year, I will undoubtedly add more challenges to the list. But, this is a good place to start:
Read/reread 52 books ([@ least] just like I did in 2013)
Bible reading each day
Praying each day – building up a “War Room” of sorts
Journal each day
Blog post @ least twice a week
Pass my local & national exams
Finish @ least one written work
I can’t wait to see how doing these simple things will change my life. I can’t wait to see how God works in these areas.
And, along the way, I can’t wait to share them with all of you.
But, to finish out 2015, below are links to some of my favorite posts of the year:
I look forward to seeing you in 2016 for the next chapter in this book of life.
Happy New Year!
Joining up with Tuesday @ 10 (so, I guess, this is actually my last one of the year). The topic is “I resolve to…” So, I guess, my answer is, I resolve to – Challenge myself.
I spent all of October thinking about what it means to be home…and when I think of the word dwell, I think of the word home.
More than that, I think of where I would like my soul to call home, where I desire my soul to dwell…
In my most recent post Imagine That… I pondered what the world would look like if we actually lived out what we believe – if we began to make it a way of life.
Making His presence our dwelling place is part of that.
“How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord Almighty…
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked…”
-Psalm 84:1 & 84:10
And, I do want my soul to dwell with my Abba, dwelling in His presence always, but more often, I find myself dwelling on things of this earth:
Anxiety. Entertainment. People. Social Media.
Even today, my time was spent: shopping (though, I did need a new coat moving to the freezing Midwest from Sunny CA), watching Christmas Romance movies, watching football, watching youtube videos, watching Girl Meets World.
Facebook. Twitter. Instagram.
How much time have I spent today dwelling in the things of Heaven? About 5 minutes.
So, though my heart’s cry truly is:
“One thing I ask…this only do I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
All the days of my life,
To gaze on the beauty of the Lord
And to seek Him in His temple.”
-Psalm 27:4
It is my heart’s desire to see a world that looks more like the one I imagine, and to make that happen through my own acting out what I believe…
Yet, I wonder, if my desire were stronger, would I not devote more time/energy to it?
So, each day, little by little, I try. I continue to move forward.
To pray when I say I will, even for the hard things. Even for my “enemies”.
To be in His presence, spending more and more time on the things of Heaven.
To live like I want to see His kingdom on Earth.
To care for myself & for others, as His creations.
Because, I want to ensure that my soul dwells…
Dwells with Him.
I know it’s Saturday, but I’m joining up with Kate Motaung over at Heading Homefor Five Minute Friday. This week’s topic was dwell. Head on over and see what others have written for this five minute challenge. Show some of them some love. Let’s be a community that encourages one another – creating that world I imagine can be.
Just over 9 years ago, I graduated high school, packed up my life, and left Oklahoma to return to the sunny shores of California.
Now, in a little less than a month, I am packing up and making the reverse trip. I don’t know how long I’ll be in Oklahoma, but that’s where my sails are leading right now.
In that nine years, I have learned some very important things about who I am.
And, Who am I?
I am:
Fearless.
Ok, not really. Usually, I am riddled with anxiety. Amazingly, though, I usually tend to do big, crazy things despite the intense anxiety around them.
Because, I am not truly fearless, but I have
Faith.
Faith in a faithful God, and as His word says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Heb 11:1).
So, I live a kind of “Leap and the net will appear” kind of life.
Valuable
It’s taken me 27 years to realize this. And, some days, I fail to remember.
But, honestly, I am valuable. My Abba said so. And, that’s beautiful.
Loved & Blessed
Beyond anything I could ever measure. Family & friends. Opportunities, adventures, experiences.
Once again, my Abba has provided more than I could ever ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).
A [Beautiful] Masterpiece (Ecc 3:11, Eph 2:10)
Completely in progress. His hands are not done shaping the me that I am.
And, who am I?
I am…
Fearless, standing on Faith, of great Value,Loved & Blessed beyond measure.
It’s Saturday! (Right?!?) So, here’s is my ever late 5 Minute Friday post.
The theme this week: Real.
Ready? GO:
“Do you have an imagination?” This question started the friendship of my forever BFF and I…I don’t know, but in 5th grade, that seemed like the most important thing in the world.
I have always had a great imagination, very good at fantasizing and idealizing. To this day, it happens to be one of my best, most practiced qualities.
From idealizing a job, a school/career choice, or even a guy (so, so often in my life…Perfect Relationship? Anyone? No?)
However, reality is where I try to live…and right now,
Real is the pile of laundry I haven’t put away in about two months, it just gets recycled from wear to wash to chair pile to wear and back again.
Real is the stress of will I or won’t I graduate on time? (I will, but it’s going to cost me some extra $$$).
Real is the awkwardness I exude day in and day out, especially when I find myself talking to an attractive person or someone I deem “better” than me.
Real is the anxiety over talking to the guy I like, making up crazy scenarios for why I should stick with small talk to avoid any real friendship or potential relationship, thereby avoiding any rejection that may occur…Real is the total melting puddle I become when he enters a room & I see his smile, yet totally being able to make small talk anyway.
Real is sitting with broken & hurting clients, and knowing this is exactly where God wants me right now.
Graffiti wall at Block Party – legal “street” art spreading His name. It’s always a good time at Block Party.
And, Real is sitting in the first of another fantastic season of what my church calls “Block Party” and seeing youth use their talents to spread God’s message to their friends. Seeing local rappers, DJ’s, worship leaders, & youth leaders unite to build
the Kingdom rather than divide it.
Real is being a part of this Kingdom work on Earth; knowing I am a part of something so much greater than myself, and believing that God has so much more in store for the future.
I’m a little late for both 5 Minute Friday& my own Lovely Sunday. I wanted this piece to fit into that Lovely Sunday mode, somehow, but I don’t think it does. So, I think I will attempt that one a week late (along with my #WorkItWednesday, which I am once again late for.)
Below is my post for #Gather (5MF)
GO
I quite enjoy playing cards.
It’s not about letting go, it’s just about finding ways to move forward.
My collection began when I was young, and honestly can’t remember well a time in my life when there wasn’t a deck of cards near me.
I have collected a deck of cards from almost every place I have been, as well as places others have been and brought me one back as a gift. I have quirky cards, casino cards, Christmas decks, an M&Ms deck, and others. Something about them speaks to me.
For much of my life, there has been a deck safely hidden in my backpack or purse, after all, one never knows when boredom will strike, right?
When I was younger, during my anxiety and depression, I found a way to ground myself. I would often sit on the floor of my bedroom listening to music and shuffling cards over and over. When kids ask me now how I got so good at this, I resist the urge to say “I spent so much time being depressed and anxious, I needed a way to calm my nerves” and simply say practice.
In high school, there were a few people who called me “card girl”, knowing I was the girl to go to when class got boring. I have found ways to integrate them into my therapy with the teens I work with, and I even made a “getting to know you” deck that the Airman & I used on one of our dates (lucky for me, he was a game guy, so he appreciated it)
Another lovely thing about these cards is that they are great for art works. I am currently playing with a deck: how to make it look distressed, what I can turn it into when I have the look I want – art to be displayed. I’m also working on a shadowbox art piece with playing cards, probably Alice in Wonderland themed by the time I’m done.
And, as in the above picture, a new project I’ve begun to help process the losses I have experienced in life: a special deck for those close to my heart. Something I can pull out, shuffle, look through, process when my heart is so broken from missing them that I feel it won’t stay in my chest. Now, it will all be tucked safely in a tuck box.
Lately, though, life has felt more like a game of 52 card pick up than anything, and recently, as I have been overwhelmed with school, work, practicum, and life in general (some days, I’m not handling this whole single & no children thing well…), I have found myself turning once again to these lovely pieces of coated paper/cardboard to help with the stress and anxiety.
One of my professors reminded me that if you have a way to keep yourself grounded, use it.
So, I shuffle. I throw the deck & gather them back. And then I do it all over again. Because, each time I gather another one, I feel as if I find a piece of my sanity. Another piece of peace of mind.
Each time I pull out a deck, whether new or old, I am reminded that there is still quiet in my heart. There is still strength and skill in my hands. There is still processing ability in my brain. And there is still art in my soul.
And, as I gather the pieces of me, much like I would those cards, I find myself breathing a little easier. As I count them up “1, 2, ,3, 4…” I know that I will find my way to 52, each bringing me closer to the full deck. And, as I shuffle it all around, I will find them in the order they should be.
Because, at some point, life won’t be a game of 52 card pick up, but become once again a big game of BS or War or, if we’re lucky enough to get to act like a kid again, we might find ourselves in a game of Go Fish or Crazy 8s.
So, for now, I’m just gonna continue to pick up the rest of the 52 around me…
Author Candice Jenee’ 