What does this even mean?
This is something I have struggled with so often – & how much of it is on me, how much on those around me?
Since I’ve been back, I know I have been embraced. Yet, so much is different…and, have I lost my belonging in my old home? Can I belong both places…and elsewhere?
God, I don’t even know anymore…
What I do know – it’s more than any one person or place.
And, it starts with knowing my identity in You & my place in Your Kingdom. That my life is temporary, but I’m meant to make the most of it…
This past weekend, my brain has not been kind to me. A dark cloud of hopelessness & doubt popped up & followed me, taunting me. For anyone who has ever struggled with a mood disorder or anxiety disorder, you probably understand this, for others, maybe not.
It’s not that this dark cloud is with me all the time anymore (I remember when it was. At times like these, I am amazed I survived those days. God’s grace, right there).
But, once a month, for a day or two (or five…), it returns. And, it takes all the strength I have to remind myself it’s all lies…Because my brain works overtime to remind me:
My overall biggest struggle since being home (really, one of my biggest struggles all my life…)?
Belonging…Where do I belong?
As a believer who never takes anything at face value, who has had many a faith struggle, and who also trusts & studies science/psychology, the church can be a dangerous place.
As a psychologist who is also a Christian, knowing God has created us so intimately & intricately, and He is the only one who brings true healing, the “real world” can also be a dangerous place.
I had a fantastic group to belong to in California, but in moving, kind of gave that up.
I have some amazing friends here, but we are not in the same place in life. They are married, most with kid(s)…and, I don’t even know where God is going to take me in the next 2-5 years…or who He’s going to bring along to go with me.
I have a great workplace and co-workers I’ve learned a lot from…who all go our separate ways at the end of the day, because we are also in different places in our lives.
I go to a great church – that mostly feels like home. But, also, seems to have no real place for people like me: Single, career minded, & young-ish. I am getting involved in serving, but still struggle to find my place.
I guess, it’s hard for so many people…This knowing where to belong thing…
But, when I feel this way, it helps to remember that there is one place I will always belong:
In the will of God. He has chosen me; He has called me. And, I find my belonging when I answer…
This weekend, I felt so empty, so alone, and so disconnected. My brain was telling me all the old lies: there is no purpose…you are worthless…you don’t know what you’re doing…you are going to fail. BIG. You are so disconnected, and no one wants you around…
But, instead of wallowing, I forced myself to go to the church fellowship, engage in conversation, and gave myself permission to laugh. Because, if I truly have a desire to belong, I know that I have to put in the work.
Answer the call.
This is my contribution to this week’s Tuesday @ 10, where the theme for this week is Belong. Let me know your thoughts on belonging…It can be a heavy topic. But, maybe, we can find belonging with each other, as we bear our hearts & share our journeys.