The Growing

This week’s Tuesday @ 10 word is “Grow”… so many ways one can go with that.

But, tonight, I don’t feel much grown.

After many tears today, especially the last couple of hours, my eyes burn; left my throat sore & raw, my lungs burning from irregular air flow. My body exhausted.

Instead of feeling grown, I feel like I have spent the day as a scared kid.

And, I tell myself I thought I was past all this:

Every time, I swear it’s the last time…
I swear I’ve learned the “signs”
And can stop the onset.
It’s a Lie!
Still, they come, like a flood.
Air escaping, throat tightening
Thoughts 10000 miles a minute
Out of Control.

But, I always tell myself, 
“That’s the last one.”
IT’S A LIE…
I can no more stop them 
Than I can make the Sun stop shining.
And, I’m Tired.
Tired of pretending.
Tired of running.
Tired of acting so strong,
When really, I seem to be the 
Weakest Person I Know.
Yet, every time I think I can’t go on,
I am Amazed that I am able to
Make it through
Just One More Day.

So, maybe the growing is not in stopping, but in accepting. Maybe the growth is the process, the timing, the learning.

Perhaps, the growth is in loving oneself, even when an “episode” has happened. Maybe, just maybe, the real growth is in being able to make it through

Just. One. More. Day.

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5 thoughts on “The Growing

  1. Although I may not be sure what brought about these feelings, I know the feelings are real. Before leaving this comment, I prayed for you because I know our God hears our cries for help & is moved with compassion. You are growing more than you can see for with each step we take, He brings growth in our lives. We were neighbors today at Tuesdays at 10. Blessings!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I feel for you, understand your sadness and frustrations….as a good friend of mine commented on my blog post the other day, “Maybe the miracle is that you’ve made it through”…..loved reading your post (I popped over from Karen Beth’s)….

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  3. I feel it in your words; I can somewhat relate because I have had feelings the past couple of days that I was unsure of how to take; what to feel; who to be…but, I know HE is there helping us through it all; and helping us to grow with what it is we are going through.

    May He continue to lead you; to walk with you on this journey. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. I am SO sorry you had such a tough day of tears and heartache, but let me say this.. YES sometimes it’s about accepting the emotions and allowing them to be there for the reason they are showing up. Believe it or not, being with your emotions and writing about them, and accepting them – that is growing.. I know it’s hard to see now, but there is something about that. I go through the same thing. Thank you for sharing this, and please know, you are not alone, if you need anything, feel free to email me. Your writing on GROW was beautifully written

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