I [Don’t] Have Time…

I don’t have time… I tell myself. And when I do, I’m just too tired… 

This is the lie I tell myself when it comes to the diminishing of the two most important relationships in my life:

#1: My relationship with God & #2: my relationship with myself.

Realistically, taking care of #1 would take care of #2, but, I have been terribly lax at putting any effort into either.

I don’t have time… I mean, really, I am very busy. Especially now that I am getting more hours at my job and more clients at my practicum. More clients means more paperwork, and more paperwork means more time. Oh, and did I mention it’s finals time?

I mean with all of this going on, how can I be expected to continue to read His Word or Pray? (I mean that goal to read the whole Bible was just a New Years resolution, and those never happen, right?)

But, the problem here is that this pattern was beginning to unfold before: before I had more hours at work. Back when I only had one or two clients (who often no-showed). Back when I had a bearable amount of paperwork that I was still procrastinating on. Back when I had fewer projects to finish for class.

Even then, the distance was beginning… Because I still felt “too tired…” to put forth the effort. Opting instead to read girly chick-lit or watch movies/tv. Or sleep. Yes, I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping. Justifying it, telling myself:

“God knows my heart…He understands if I just say a quick prayer as I fall asleep, or if I only pray about this area of concern…He gets why I just read a verse or two when I remember…He knows my heart…He knows it’s just a busy/tough/crazy time right now…”

The problem with this is: He does know me. He crafted me, he crafted my heart. He wrote my love languages there: quality time & words of affirmation…And I am not speaking to Him in either of my love languages…As a matter of fact, I’ve been neglecting to speak to Him in any language.

Choosing instead to cavort with the world. 

Back and forth, the Spirit plays tug-of-war with my heart, vying for my attention. Stirring me when I am lazy or bored. Whispering when I’ve spent just a little too long in front of my television or Facebook. Calling to my inner most being as deep calls to deep. Inviting me back into that special kind of relationship we’ve always had.

So my questions: Why has it been so hard for me to answer that call lately? Have I really wandered so far away from my first love that I have forgotten how to respond?

Have I been so preoccupied by the possibility of a different kind of attention that I have purposefully ignored the most important kind of attention?

Am I so consumed by apathy & anxiety that I cannot even simply show up and be with the one who Crafted me?

I don’t know…So, I’ve been lying. To myself. I don’t have time…I’m too tired. But it’s lies. I have time, I have  often been filling it  with those things that don’t matter… and, though I made an attempt tonight to begin the repair, to show up, as it were, I still know I cannot guarantee I will do the same tomorrow.

I want to. I want to ever so much…But, I cannot speak for tomorrow…I can only speak for today. And, as I’ve said before, today’s choice is really all that matters, right?

 

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