I feel it welling up inside. My heart pounds. My breathing gets shallow. The walls close in & I feel unsteady on my feet.
This is an unfortunate time & place to experience a panic attack: in the middle of Barns & Noble…
After class, I went everywhere but home in order to avoid these feelings…
But, the thing about anxiety, it follows you.
Those closest to me know that the quarter I just finished at school was a rough one for me. And, the nightmare is still not over. And, the space between last quarter & this quarter was one week.
One mesely little week of no class, just internship & work.
My return to school today was a reminder of just how long that week was, and how terrible that previous quarter was.
I feel completely alone and with no direction. And, so much lately, I have felt completely out of touch with my passion, and why I started this journey in the first place.
Out of touch with my calling.
Out of touch with the one who called.
So, I found myself checking the psychology section for answers. Begging myself to remember why I fell in love with the subject in the first place. Calling to mind the specialty I want to have and the populations I want to work with.
But, ignoring what I have been ignoring for a while: the chasm between myself and the One who knows my desires. The one who crafted my heart & ignighted it with passion.
I felt a pull, a beckoning…And I responded. I found myself in the middle of the Christian section, surrounded by familiar names that I have heard & read over and over.
Turn around. Look here…
The Voice of Peace whispered. Turning to the collection of Bibles, I realized, the books on Christianity would not give me the answers, let alone the books on psychology, if I would not first return to His Word.
I must return to my First Love, the One Who First Loved Me…
I have been wandering, allowing myself to drift aimlessly further away from Him, not trusting that He will work all things for my good.
I have effectively stopped…
And, with that, all creativity, fire, and drive have ceased. Being replaced by anxiety, depression, and alienation.
But, no more.
Here I sit, on the floor of Barns & Noble, surrounded by links and opportunities to connect with my Creator.
Ready to return full force.
Expecting enemy resistance.
Knowing hard times may still continue.
Yet, claiming peace and joy in the storm.
Rededicating my passion to Him.
Allowing Him to take me where He will.
Holding tight to the faint dreams that are still vying for life in my heart.
Opening myself up to His life-giving breath.